About Me

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Christmas is coming

The stresses of Christmas pile up one on top of the other, and I struggle to keep the Christ child at the top of the pile. But why else am I cooking these treats, decorating this house, wrapping these gifts? Only to honor His birth and the life he lived - for me.

Golden sunlight fills my house, music rings out, oatmeal is cooking on the stove early in the morning. I am in a thoughtful mood today, with burdens swirling around in my head. I feel heavily weighed down despite the pending festivities. I want to set these burdens aside for a few days and celebrate with a light spirit and joy! So I lift up a prayer...

May my days bring glory to the God who chose to come to earth in order that I might be reconciled with my Creator, with the One who loves me more than any other, the Maker of the universe, the I Am, Emmanuel - God with us.

Thank you, Jesus, for choosing to be with us, among us. May our celebration of your birthday bring you joy and honor.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Sweet things

I made some Christmas goodies last week. My eyes were filled with the rich, beautiful colors of fruit and nuts; my kitchen was filled with sweet and buttery smells.

It reminded me of last December when one of my very best friends was visiting. Little did I know that she was about to walk down a terrible path, a sad one, filled with heartbreak after heartbreak. We stood in my kitchen and cooked until late in the night. We laughed and creamed butter, chatted and chopped fruit. We cooked batches of fruitcake, cookies, fudge - so she could return home laden with Christmas treats. We loved on each other and had a wonderful time.


My goodness, she's been through it. She had a hell of a year, but she's made it through, is working through her pain, is doing the hard work of grieving and healing. My heart is still deeply saddened when I think about her situation, and it is with bittersweet anticipation that I plan this year's Christmas treats - such a poignant reminder of those jolly hours last year, the hope that things would still work out, the hope of reconciliation and peace.

Peace. Prince of Peace. Everlasting peace. Everlasting King. God with us. Phrases that run through our Christmas celebrations. And yet so many of us have deep gaps in our lives, deep fissures into which we can easily find ourselves falling; falling into sadness, frustration, fear. And maybe not our own pain, but the pain of people we love, people whose burdens we help carry.

It snowed today. As Tim and I made a trip to the grocery store and settled into our comfy clothes and warm house this afternoon, I thought about the things that make me feel cozy and comforted, the things that bring peace to me.

Snuggling with Egg.
Listening to beautiful music.
Reading the Psalms.
Spending time with my best friends.
Cooking a lavish meal.

I wish I could give everyone I love an extra dose of peace this season, enough to carry you through your lonely moments, the times when you're missing loved ones, when the losses of life seem to stack up like cordwood outside your door, when you can't seem to pull yourself out of sadness. If you're struggling, I pray that the lights of the season will remind you that the holiday is not just about family and fun and food, but that it is about God reaching out his hand to us and giving us the gift of reconciled relationship with Him. May you find peace in His love. May you find peace in those who love you. May you find peace in the joy of beautiful moments.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

A fall morning

Some mornings I wake from my dreams and instantly miss my mom or dad so much. It doesn't happen as often as it used to, and it is seldom with the same intensity as in years past. But it is still like a jab to my gut.

I've been on a terrible migraine run, and I know after days and days of these bastards I'm sometimes a little off-kilter emotionally. I know they sometimes throw my mind a little out of whack and my perspective becomes skewed, and that might be all that's going on this morning, but my first thought as I awoke was,

I still need a mom.

Oh, how I miss her. I miss her listening ear. I miss her tender voice. I miss her wisdom. I miss her constantly God-centered perspective on life. I miss her unconditional acceptance of me. I miss her challenging me to think before speaking or acting. I miss her love.

I'm 43, so it seems strange (and somehow weak) to feel like I still need a mom, but this is probably something that even my 91-year-old friend thinks on occasion. I won't pine away for her, and I won't wallow in these sad feelings, but today I think it will leave a tenderness on my heart that will make it just a little harder to sing beautiful songs at church, fully enjoy this afternoon's time with friends, and focus on my upcoming week of editing and housework.

I'll do my best. I'll write in my journal a little, and maybe shed a few tears. I'll remember how much she loved me and how proud of me she would be. I know these things partly because my dad told me just that many times before he died. And he told me with passion and love and strength in his tone of voice and words. He really meant it. And his words are an anchor that helps hold me close to the truth of who I am.

Thanks, Dad, for affirming me, for loving me, for helping me feel Mom's love even after she was gone.

I love you both.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Pretty things

 Just pretty pictures from my garden as summer says its last goodbye and fall begins to turn to winter...


colors of fall

sage and snow

seed pods of my blue grama grass

lavandar's last flowers

society garlic collecting snow









Thursday, October 25, 2012

Sea Change



With gray clouds dropping into the city and snow beginning to spit, our old brown truck and I rumble our way through downtown. The truck seems to stand out, anomalous, in the pedestrian traffic and new cars that fill the lanes. Driving in its noise and warmth, I feel the coziness of winter wrap around me. Like a scene in a movie signifying change, signifying a shift, the season changes before my very eyes and I know winter is on its way.
 



A sea-change, a radical shift, a transformation.




Earth makes her way through the galaxy, spinning daily, yearly revolving, and we go along with the changes each season brings. And we change. We transform season to season, year to year, as we grow, evolve, learn.



The snow is falling steadily now, and is predicted to cover all by morning, but only by a few inches. Nonetheless, the scene will be radically changed - at least for a few hours. Fall will seem to be gone and winter well on its way.


I am content. 

--------------------------------

From Shakespeare's The Tempest, 1610:
Full fathom five thy father lies;
Of his bones are coral made;
Those are pearls that were his eyes:
Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange.





Saturday, October 20, 2012

It's just so good!

I'm going to brag.

I make the best bread pudding I've ever tasted. I make the best bread pudding folks who have eaten have ever had. Or so they say. And so I think. ;-)

I'm catering an event tonight - beef  bourguignon, a simple salad with cranberries and almond slivers, and my bread pudding with bourbon sauce. Oh, those lucky ducks! And lucky me, too, since that's what I'll be having for dinner. Tee hee hee.

My house smells pretty divine right now - stew that's been on the stove for hours, and now the sweet, cinnamon smell of the bread puddings.

I just took them out of the oven and couldn't resist plucking one tiny piece of toasted, crispy, buttery crust off of what I think will be the extra pan of loveliness. Oh! The flavors melted in my mouth. I actually rolled my eyes and said out loud, "Damn, that is good!":-0

So, because I wouldn't want to be selfish, here's the recipe for my bread pudding. It doesn't have a fancy name - just "Bread Pudding". Spice it up as you would like - in the fall, substitute 1 c of the cream for 1 c of pumpkin puree; leave out the nuts or substitute pecans for your favorite; add chocolate chips; combine different kinds of fruit. It will be pretty hard to mess this up.  It has so much fat in it that it is going to taste delicious - pretty much whatever you add to it.

Enjoy! :-D




Cindy's bread pudding recipe
12-14 oz. French bread, broken into pieces
2 1/2 - 3 c. cream
2 c. sugar
6 Tbsp butter, melted
3 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
1 c. raisins, soaked in bourbon 1/2 hour (save the drained bourbon for the sauce)
1 1/2 c. chopped pecans (optional)
1 1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp nutmeg

Do not preheat oven.

Combine all ingredients.  Mixture should be very moist, but not soupy.  If too dry, add cream 2 Tbsp at a time. Pour into buttered 9x13 inch baking dish.  Place into non-preheated oven.  Bake at 350° for about 1 hour and 15 minutes, checking after 50 minutes, until top is golden brown and internal temperature is 165-170 F. If you don't have a food thermometer, make sure it appears set - not too jiggly - meaning the egg is cooked through. It won’t be completely firm when you take it out of the oven.  You might need to cover it with foil the last 20 minutes or so to let if finish cooking without getting too brown on top. 


bourbon sauce
1 stick butter
1 c. sugar
6 Tbsp cream
1/4 c. bourbon
pinch of salt

Melt butter in small saucepan over medium heat.  Whisk in remaining ingredients.  Simmer until thickened, whisking often, about 3 minutes.



Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Bothered

I'm not sure how many of you care whether or not Lance Armstrong used illegal performance enhancers the years he was dominating the Tour de France, but I do.

And I'm still not convinced of his guilt.

I may be naive. I may be a ridiculous advocate, but until I am shown proof that he used, I am going to say, "He raced clean." In the years he was racing and winning the Tour de France, he passed more than 500 blood tests - at least one everyday he was in the lead of the race or won a stage, and many random tests as well. Over 500! I think that says something.


But I'll admit it is confusing, frustrating, disturbing to see his name in such damning headlines.

Lance Armstrong won his first Tour de France just 3 years after my mom died of breast cancer, and that meant a tremendous amount to me and millions of others who had lost someone to cancer. Sometime that summer, I heard him say that he was greatly motivated by all the cancer survivors out there - and that, in his mind, included those of us who lost someone we love to cancer. That was the first time I'd heard myself referred to as a "cancer survivor" and it was significant - not because I myself had battled the disease, or suffered the treatments, or faced death, but because my heart had almost died from my loss. For someone who had personally battled through illness to health to recognize me as a survivor meant something to me ... so maybe I'm skewed by the passion and commitment he has shown to fighting cancer.

All this stuff floating around in the news makes me question my loyalty, frustrates me, sometimes makes me angry. First of all, why does USADA (U.S. Anti-Doping Agency) care? He isn't racing anymore. Many others have used illegal performance enhancers without being pursued with even close to the same kind of aggression. Is it because he dominated? Is it because he was the first American? Is it because he has fought so hard against these accusations and has refused to submit?

I guess I'm writing all this today to vent a little, but also to say this: If I am ever shown conclusive evidence that this man who did such great things on a bicycle used, I will be sorely disappointed. I will be angry and frustrated. But I won't be crushed or wounded or heart-broken. After all, he's a bicycle racer, not a hero, not a lifesaver, not a god. Just a man. Maybe someday I'll be proven wrong. Meanwhile, maybe we can all just leave him alone and let him fight our common enemy. Cancer. 

---------------------------------------------------------

P.S. I'm not the only one who feels this way. In case you want to read a little more...



http://hotair.com/archives/2012/08/24/thanks-a-lot-usada-lance-armstrong-faces-the-loss-of-his-seven-tour-de-france-titles/

Monday, October 15, 2012

Heart's content

Last night my house was full of boys - men, really.

After church, while chatting with two single guys we know, a spontaneous invitation for dinner and pumpkin pie (yes, made from pumpkins I grew - pictures to come soon!) was thrown out. And late in the afternoon, a young guy Tim has known most of his life texted and asked if he could come by to pick up two pumpkins I'd promised him ...


... so I took out of the fridge the pumpkin flesh I'd roasted earlier in the week and whipped up a pumpkin pie. I used my standard pie crust that my dad gave me in 1990 (another story) which always turns out flaky and wonderful, and tried a new recipe I found on epicurious.com that had a nut topping - it was delicious!

I happened to have made ratatouille earlier in the week, and to go along with that I made (for the first time!) potato pancakes with green onions. The turned out delicious, too - although they take way longer to cook than I anticipated. With the pre-made ratatouille, dinner was made with little fuss and in no time at all.

Around 6:30 p.m. Doug arrived, Scott came around 7:00, and Aaron wandered in around 8:30. The baseball playoffs were on in the living room, conversations were happening in various rooms, lots of laughing, a little beer, and lots of food. By the time Aaron got here, there wasn't any ratatouille left, but he arrived hungry. As usual. ;-) I presented him with the remaining potato pancakes and, upon his request, my homemade applesauce, and he was content with that. Quite content.

It was a lovely evening. It was a deeply satisfying evening.

I've talked about this before - the deep satisfaction I receive from feeding people food, especially yummy food that makes them happy, and especially people I love. But we also had some significant conversations, shared from our hearts, laughed out loud, and had a great time. No plan, no stress, no fussing about - just a simple, casual, spontaneous gathering.

Lovely. Satisfying. Feeding our hearts and our bellies. :)




The recipes ... but of course, I couldn't follow them exactly, so here are the recipes as I made them with links to the original recipes below.




Baked Ratatouille

1 large eggplant, unpeeled
2 zucchini
2 red bell peppers, stems, ribs and seeds removed
1/2 lb button mushrooms
1 yellow onion, thinly sliced
1/3 c tomato paste
1/3 c red wine vinegar
1/4 c water
2 Tbsp olive oil
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 tsp dried thyme
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp freshly ground pepper
1/2 c chopped fresh basil or parsley (optional, but delicious)

Preheat oven to 400' F. Lightly coat a large roasting pan with olive oil.

Cut eggplant, zucchini, red bell peppers, and mushrooms into equal-sized pieces - aiming for 1/2" to 1" pieces - this is so they will all cook evenly. As they are sliced or cut-up, add them to the roasting pan. Add sliced onion.

In a small bowl, combine tomato paste, vinegar, water, oil, garlic, thyme, salt and pepper, and stir until blended and smooth. Add to the roasting pan, then stir and toss to combine and coat the vegetables evenly.

Bake until vegetables begin to soften, about 30 min, stirring once at the halfway point. Reduce the heat to 325'F. Cover the roasting pan and bake until the vegetables are soft and tender, but not mushy, about 30 min longer, stirring every 10 min.

Remove from oven, uncover, and let stand 10 min. Stir in the basil or parsley and serve. If not using all of it, or cooking it ahead of time, stir in the basil or parsley just before serving to preserve the best of their flavor. Delicious served over rice, pasta, mashed pots, potato pancakes, couscous, or even good quality bread. 


Pumpkin Pie with Brown Sugar-Walnut Topping:

topping
1/4 cup plain walnut pieces
1/4 c of candied walnuts (see below)
2 Tbsp dark brown sugar (not packed)
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
small pinch of salt

crust
1 unbaked pie crust
 
filling
1 cup (packed) dark brown sugar
2 large eggs
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
1 cup canned pure pumpkin (I used homemade puree)
1 cup evaporated milk

preheat oven to 425'F

for topping
Combine all ingredients. Using on/ off turns, blend to coarse crumbs. DO AHEAD: Can be made 1 day ahead. Store in airtight container at room temperature.

for filling
Whisk brown sugar, eggs, salt, cinnamon, ginger, and cloves in medium bowl. Add pumpkin and milk and whisk until well blended and smooth. 

Pour filling into unbaked crust, then cover crust with foil. Bake at 425' for 15 min, then lower heat to 350'. Bake until filling is firm - not jiggly - about 30 minutes.

Sprinkle topping evenly over top of pie. Reduce oven temperature to 325°F; continue to bake for about 10 min., or until topping is slightly browned. Transfer pie to rack and cool completely. DO AHEAD: Can be made 1 day ahead. Tent with foil and chill. Let stand at room temperature 2 hours before serving.




Candied Walnuts for Pie Topping
1 cup walnuts, chopped (about 3 1/2 ounces)
2 tablespoons dark corn syrup
1 tablespoon sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
Preheat oven to 325°F. Coat baking sheet lightly with butter. Combine walnuts and all remaining ingredients in medium bowl; toss to coat. Spread nut mixture on prepared baking sheet (some nuts may clump together). Bake until nuts are deep golden and sugar mixture is bubbling, stirring occasionally to break up clumps, about 15 minutes. Cool completely on baking sheet. (Can be made 1 week ahead. Store in airtight container.)



Read More http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Pumpkin-Pie-with-Brown-Sugar-Walnut-Topping-355849






Friday, October 5, 2012

Fall is here!

Two nights ago the wind whipped around the house and blew autumn into our neighborhood. The trees that had started turning are now going full blast and the color in the city is incredible. The cold has arrived, too, and I for one am happy for it to be here. It was a hot summer, and a long one, too! The evidence of last night's freeze lies on my blackened, frost-bitten pumpkin leaves, but the bright orange pumpkins are just fine.

This morning a good friend and I debated whether or not to venture into the higher country for a hike and some leaf gazing. We braved the 40' temps in the city and headed up the pass. Lo and behold, around 8500' we drove out of the clouds and into the most beautiful, blue-skied autumn day. The trees were still covered with their gold coins, and our 2 hour hike was more than pleasant - it was ideal. As Tim always says, "You never know what the weather is going to be like on the other side of the pass!"

So today I snuggle into my house, cleaning it up some for a little shindig on Saturday. A very good friend is finished with her radiation treatment and is free to eat anything she likes - and we're happy to oblige her! :) Cheese and crackers, homemade jams and bread, lunchmeat galore, gin and tonic cake. A feast to welcome her back to the world of yum. :-)

I've donned my sweats and a warm shirt, my wool clogs, and after lunch will do my best to get off the warm couch and onto my housework.

It's been a lovely day. For any of you who can't tell - I love fall! :-D

Monday, September 24, 2012

Another post without pictures ... to the disappoinment of my sister and possibly others ;-)

My neighborhood is filled with apple trees that are heavy with ripening fruit. When I take morning walks, I pass yards that are littered with bruised fruit, fruit that the squirrels and birds have feasted on, perfect fruit that is lying there for the taking.

All this fruit lying on the ground was driving me crazy - so I started knocking on doors. "Do you have plans for your apples? If not, would you mind if I picked them and used them?"

I've gleaned the most wonderful harvest and am making the most of it! So far, I've made apple butter and applesauce, and am hoping to get some pears, too, from a tree I found. If only I had more time - I'd make even more delicious things - apple bbq sauce, apple pie filling, apple jelly, apple chutney. Oh, the flavors I could conjure!

The apple butter was rich and dark with spices, delicious and so wonderful on hot, buttered toast! And the applesauce! I didn't peel all the apples, and so my applesauce has a tint of red from the skins. It's just the prettiest color, and the flavor- a mix of sweet and sour apples from two different trees - is divine. I'm in heaven!

All these treasures that summer and fall bring - peaches, plums, apples, pears, pumpkins, carrots. It is a wonder to me - such a bounty of color, of flavor and textures.

I am so thankful for the seeds that we put in the ground, and with a little water and sunlight, they return to us as gifts for the taking.

Wonderful.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Today's my birthday ... and today I'm giving away the last of my father's books from his office. A teary phone call to start out this day. The local Bible college is going to take the books, which is a blessing - to know they will be used by students striving to know God better. But it is sad, too. And Janice, Dad's wife, is moving to Tulsa tomorrow to be closer to her aging parents, so tonight will be my last birthday dinner with her in who knows how long. Two sad things.

A bittersweet day.

Isn't that the way life goes? Ups and downs, not knowing what's around the bend, bright sunshine and pouring rain.

But I feel like the older I get the more I am able to choose how I'm going to proceed - I am less blown by the winds of my emotions. Sure, I still have tantrums, get angry when I shouldn't, can't seem to see any joy in a day, but those moments and days are less frequent, and for that I am thankful.

I'm thankful for so many things in my life - and my birthday always makes me think of those things. I have such a blessed life - not meaning it's been easy - but whose life is? I sometimes make a mental list of the hard things, so in balance I can see that the negative list is always shorter.

But this morning, I'll just list some of the good things. After all, what kind of a birthday post would list yucky stuff? ;-)

  • a kitty who adores me is sleeping in my window, enjoying the cool morning breezes (he and I both love it when fall arrives)
  • I have lost some weight and this skirt looks pretty darn cute! :)
  • my hubby is taking me out for brunch - yum!
  • I have a garden full of pumpkins ripening on the vine (oh! I've never posted garden pics this summer! I might still get on that...)
  • I already got in some doggie love this morning from my next door neightbor's adorable red heeler
  •  I have an incredible family that loves me very much - an amazing gift!
I could go on and on. My list could be very long, but I'll stop there - I've got some birthday celebrating to do!!

I hope you all have as wonderful a year as I will. I hope daily blessings are the norm. I hope love and hope fill your hearts. And may each birthday be a celebration of you. :)

Monday, August 20, 2012

Delish!

I've had a rather busy summer.

It all started with a P.E.O. convention in June, followed just a few days later with a family reunion in Virginia. (What's P.E.O.? Check it out at peointernational.org) The convention was very interesting - the family reunion was tons of fun.

About 2 weeks later one of my very best friends came to visit for 2 whole weeks! We've never had such a long visit with one another, and it was amazing! We had a wonderful time! Hi, Julie! :-)

I had another 2 weeks without out-of-town guests in which to catch my breath, get some laundry done, and rest up a little - and then my sister Lisa and her family arrived on their bi-annual trip from Amman, Jordan. Just one of our fun activities? A week in the mountains with the whole family. Yes, the whole family - stepbrother and sister + her husband and 2 kids (including my newest niece Aubree who is only 2 months old!), Dad's wife Janice, both my sisters and their husbands and kids, and my hubby. Not everyone stayed for the whole week, but it was the first time we've all been together since Dad died 2 years ago. So much fun I can't even tell you! :-D


Needless to say, I've been knocked completely out of my usual routines and am having a hard time keeping up with "real" life - laundry, my garden, dishes, cooking for my hubby, and generally participating in my usual activities.

And just in case I didn't have enough going on, I decided to throw a congratulatory party for the 3 newly graduated seniors in high school who attend our church (plus one who graduated last May). With all of our summer plans, including 2 trips to France, there was only 1 possible day for the party - the day after I returned from the mountains. Tim and I did whirlwind housecleaning (my favorite thing - NOT!), cooked a little food and bought ingredients for make-your-own pizzas. We had a great time, and it was wonderful to be able to throw a little party for these guys. Hope they all know how proud I am of them.

One of our new graduates is a vegetarian, and she is allergic to all nuts except for almonds, so whenever I'm cooking for her I enjoy finding new recipes that fit her dietary needs. Some are hits; some not so much. I made these faux meatballs that were recommended by a co-worker at the library, and thought these little guys were downright tasty! I got the recipe off allrecipes.com, but modified it just a little bit. Try them yourself and see if you miss the meat. Tim did, but ... he's Tim! ;-)

Sweet and Sour Faux Meat Balls

In a medium bowl, combine
1/4 c oil
1/4 c cider vinegar
1 c apricot jam
3/4 c ketchup
1/4 cocktail sauce (or skip the cocktail sauce and use all ketchup)
1/4 c minced onion
1 tsp salt
1 tsp dried oregano
2 dashes Tabasco sauce

Whisk together until well-combined. 

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F

In a large bowl, combine
5 eggs, beaten
1 c shredded Cheddar cheese
1/2 c cottage cheese
1/2 c finely diced onion
1 c chopped almonds (recipe called for pecans)
1 tsp dried basil
1/2 Tbsp salt
1/2 tsp dried sage
1 1/2 c Italian seasoned bread crumbs, added 1/2 c at a time - might need more or less

Mix well and form into 1" balls. Place them in a 9x13" baking dish and pour the sweet and sour sauce over them. Bake for 35-40 minutes. If needed, turn the meatballs halfway through cooking time. 

Yum! Thanks Janet Potts on allrecipes.com!

Monday, July 30, 2012

Summer rain


I love the sound of rain. It soothes my soul in a deep down way. It calms my nerves. It brings me joy.

Rain reminds me of wet childhood afternoons spent in blanket tents reading or playing in the puddle-covered grass. In Indonesia we had months of rain – monsoons that swept across the city with violence, thunder and lightening, wind that blew down huge trees and downpours that flooded gutters and yards. But when the rain was gentle and loving, we could play in it for hours. Certainly, the air cooled, but it was still warm enough to play, to run and climb, to invent games of living in the Okefenokee Swamp (thank you, Burl Ives!).

Here in Colorado’s summer, our rains are quite different. The clouds build over the mountains and the moisture they drop dramatically cools the air. I mean - really cools the air. In Colorado, kids don’t play in the rain much. It is just too cold. The water, the air, the grass. But in the summer months, when our days are plenty hot and few of us have air conditioning, I love our afternoon rains. 

They're usually accompanied by huge clouds, at least some thunder and lightening, but the rain itself is usually quiet, gentle and short-lived. And then the sun breaks through and everything just sparkles. Crisp, cool air blows in the windows, and the birds resume their song. It's quite  beautiful.

Rain makes me want to stop everything – turn off the tv, the phone, stop everything … and sit on the porch.

What do I love about rain? Why, just about everything!

… shining, leathery leaves on trees

… gray clouds that build, then burst

… the sounds of dripping eaves

… the calm that settles over my soul and says to me, “Rest.”

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Summer

It's hot outside. The sun is blaring down as you walk to the swimming pool. The clear blue water laps quietly against the beautiful tile on the pools' edge, designed so there's no lip - just the shining squares of color, then the water itself. It's like a mirage. You dive in and the water is perfect - neither too hot nor too cold. It slides over your body like a cool sheet on a hot night, and you're immediately relived. The colorful umbrellas and tables sit like small oases around the pool, towels draped here and there, floppy hats and books scattered, too. You emerge from the water and the breeze cools your wet skin.

Ah, summer in the water.

Not many of us in Colorado have pools - in fact, I don't know one person who does. My neighbor has a small kiddy pool in which she soaks her feet. :) Some folks join neighborhood or city pools, and that must be delightful. As for myself, I have a rather elaborate fan and drapes system that keeps my non-airconditioned house remarkably cool in these hot months. I'm thankful for that! No cake baking, though. No roasting of meat. The most use my stove gets is making jam when the fruit is just too irresistible. Lots of salads and meat grilled outside, farmers' market fresh fruit and veg.

It's funny - each season's flavors. In a few months, I'll be roasting squash and baking bread. And then winter will roll around with lots of soups and braised meat. But for today, it's going to be tuna salad with diced celery, bread and butter pickles, maybe some radishes, too - all on a bed of cool lettuce. Simple and delicious on a hot day.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Addendum

Earlier this afternoon, realizing the morose tone of my earlier post, I was going to write an addendum listing some of the wonderful things going on this summer. Tonight I don't feel like posting that. I'll write that tomorrow ... maybe.

The Waldo Canyon wildfire has reached neighborhoods where friends and family of mine live. I'm not in danger. No one I know is in danger. The city isn't in danger of going up in flames ... but my goodness, this is so hard to watch.

Can't state it strongly enough - the pit of my stomach worry and anxiety and sadness.

My dear friends who aren't in your homes - I'm praying for you. I love you.

Strange days

The last few days have felt rather strange, and my mind is bouncing around, oddly moved by images and sounds around me. Is it missing Dad? Is it the unusually hot weather? Is it the apocalyptic fire burning to the west, threatening neighborhoods in the city?

Not sure what it is; regardless, I find myself worn out but having trouble resting as images and feelings well up in me and then subside into the background. Here are a few of the things that are pulling at my heartstrings...

-----------------------------


For the last 4 days there has been smoke rising from the very nearby mountains - a wildfire that you might have heard about on the news. It is stunning, striking to see these billowing pillars of smoke rising, at night to see the flames erupt like incendiary bombs, to know that there are hundreds of men and women dressed in heavy, heat-protective gear, simmering in the blistering heat we've had for over a week. They toil in 16 hour shifts, coming off the front lines to eat and rest. I can imagine them quietly cheering on their comrades in smoke-roughened voices. Meanwhile, we sit in the comfort of our homes and watch the news, complaining about the heat, holding cold drinks, under the turning of fans. They fight for our neighborhoods closest to the mountains.

Tim and I just last weekend took a long drive through the area of what was known as the Hayman Fire - a wildfire that burned 138,114 acres from June 8 - July 18, 2002. The days of that fire seemed to go on and on. We got tired of hearing about it, we wearied of the news updates, but it sat in the back of our minds, knowing all those men and women were working so hard, knowing that the face of those familiar mountains would be altered for the remainder of our lives.

But there's good news from these fires, too, albeit small comfort. The hills that were so violently bereft of their beautiful pine forests in conflagration are just a few years later covered with small, but densely gathered aspen trees that in just a few more years will be amazing forests. And in time, the pines will return, and in a 100 years they will once crowd out the aspens. Meanwhile, the damage done is healing. The baby pines are springing up. The wildlife is returning. The wildflowers are creeping back onto the hillsides.

That will happen in Waldo Canyon, too. Meanwhile, we watch the flames and wait. It is surreal. At times it is downright creepy. And friends who live on the far western side of town are on pins and needles listening for reported shifts in the wind and evacuation orders. A strange time.

-----------------------------

I've been listening to a lot of Foo Fighters music (a rock 'n' roll band, for those of you over 40) ;-). I love the passion with which these guys play. I love the mix of love, anger, joy in their music. I love knowing a little bit of where they've come from and the journey they've been on. Take a listen to this song if you're interested. (This YouTube video is from a live performance - please forgive the bad language; skip the first 1:20 and you'll miss most of it...)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=CC9knDTlc-Y

-----------------------------

And every time I lie down to rest, memories of my dad are filling my head. I remember what his hands felt like. I remember the soft, thick hair on his arms. I remember his voice. I remember how loved by him I felt. I remember his laugh. I remember. And then tears fill my eyes, my breathing becomes ragged, and Egg complains at the interruption in his sleep.

It was 2 years last week since Dad died, so no wonder these memories are flooding in. No wonder my heart is seeking music that makes me feel, that expresses the joy, love, frustration, anger, sadness, emptiness that these memories bring. No wonder.

Strange days, indeed.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Bittersweet

There's finally a bird in my bird bath! I've had this beautiful piece of pottery in my front yard for at least 2 years, and today is the first time I've seen a bird in it. Wonderful! He was squirming and puttering around getting himself good and wet. Small joys. :)

Today is Tim and my 21st anniversary. We've been quite lackadaisical about celebrating our anniversaries, but something has changed inside me. I don't want to be that casual anymore. I don't want to put it off. I want to make an occasion out of it.

This morning I remembered why.

Today is the day (in 2010) that Dad was diagnosed.

Since that event, my brain has wanted Tim and I to make a bigger deal out of our anniversary. It's as if there's scale inside my heart, and if we celebrate in a special way, the anniversary side of the scale will outweigh the sadness side of the scale, remembering what today was like 2 years ago.

I'm not sure that's quite fair to Tim - to expect him to be able to tip the balance of the scale, but I'm sure each year will feel a little easier, and then someday, today will once again just be our anniversary.

There are other lovely things in the "good" column, too.

I have a new niece - Aubrey Hope. Can't wait to see her! Sadly, I'm not sure when that will be, but until that time we have Facebook. ;-D

My garden is growing nicely - pumpkins, cucumbers, green beans, yellow beans, tomatoes, carrots, the last of the spring radishes (2 of which I'm letting go to seed and, to my delight, they have beautiful purple flowers!), snap peas, yellow summer squash, and all kinds of herbs. Come July I expect a bounty of vegetables! :-)

My wildflower garden was a tremendous success. Minimum effort; maximum result. Amazing! Pictures will be posted soon - I promise.

Despite the sad memories now associated with June 15, I am proud and pleased as punch to celebrate Tim and my anniversary. We remain best friends, we actually still like each other, we rejoice in our love, we laugh a lot together. Our marriage has been a blessed one, and we've faced our challenges head-on - struggles with family issues, childlessness, illness, job troubles, money troubles, relationships exploding around us. I'm so thankful for Tim, for the thing that is "Tim and me", and for the life we share.

So today is bittersweet, but I sit on my porch watching that robin splash and cool himself in the little sanctuary that is my front yard, and it is a delight to my heart.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Cotton

It was snowing in Denver today - great clouds of cotton from the cottonwood trees. It had gathered in clumps on the ground, collecting like little snowballs and it made me smile to see these little blobs floating down around me.

I was heading home after a rewarding but tiring weekend, and the next week and a half facing me are not going to bring much rest, either. I have a feeling this isn't going to be a very relaxing summer, but I'm hoping it will be a fun one.

I need to remember what I saw this afternoon - the small clouds of cotton lazily making their way through the air, the beauty of the green leaves, the blue sky.

I need to remember how I felt - peaceful, somehow comforted.

As I face busy days and weeks, and as they pass by, I need to take moments to sit quietly, to watch the bees in my flower garden, to weed my vegetable beds, to read, to walk quietly through woods. I need to read and nap. I need to peel vegetables while sitting out on my deck in the early evening light. I need to drink a glass of wine in the backyard with friends. I need to face one day at a time and float through my summer like the cotton of the cottonwood trees.


Thursday, May 31, 2012

New

I don't think I've ever experienced a more fragrant spring.

As March rolled into April, the crab apple trees and lilacs were in full bloom, and in the chilly evenings the smell filled the air. The slightest breeze would bring it in the window, and sitting on the porch was a delight.

May has brought the irises and the beginnings of summer flowers, but more than that - the Russian olive trees are blooming, and their sweet scent hangs in the air, intensified by the warming days.

I'm amazed as each week passes and more flowers bloom, the lawns green-up, the trees fill-out in their extravagant summer dresses. Each morning the neighborhood is filled with birdsong - a sound we certainly don't hear much under winter's pall. The mourning doves' coos intersperse with the chipper songs, and the sun rises on each new day.

A new day ... a pretty cool concept, really. A new start. A new beginning. The Bible tells us that, "The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning." (Lamentations 3:22-23) What an amazing idea - that each morning God's mercy and love begin anew.

Like daylilies and morning glories, whose extravagant beauty lasts for only one day, we too have the chance to shine out one day at a time. Man, my heart is so filled with unforgiveness and frustrations - a major issue in my life. But today I have the chance to work at setting those things aside, at choosing love and understanding, at working out my issues as I garden, as I spend time with friends, as I walk through my day.

I'm thankful for this morning, for the slowly brightening sky, for the birdsong. I'm thankful for the bean plants popping out of the earth in my garden, demonstrating for me new ways to grow and be strong. And I'm thankful for each radish I pull, each vegetable I manage to grow - the fruits of my labors. May my spirit show such fruit. May my heart show such growth. May I experience daily new mercies and a new me.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Settling down

Yay! No more surgery for now! :-) The endometrial biopsy showed that nothing is growing, nothing is going on. Best guess as to what's causing my issues? Early peri-menopause. Very boring ... and I love that. :)

A word about the biopsy, and I can't state this strongly enough: It was incredibly painful. Like gripping the sheet, heavy breathing, tears streaming down my cheeks, wishing I was knocked out painful. Like 30 minutes of are you serious? Like some animal inside me taking bites out of my poor uterus. Like feeling them shoot the lidocaine into my cervix. Poor Tim standing there, stroking my forehead, holding my hand, not sure what to do. Wowser! Next time my doc recommends one of those, first I'll say, "Uh, are you sure we need to do that?" and then I'll be asking for some Vicodin ahead of time. Here's where I insert some nervous laughter. :)

Whew! I'm ready for a few quiet, not much going on weeks. Several in a row would be quite nice, and May looks to be pretty manageable before my crazy June hits. I'll have to work pretty hard to maintain that quietness, though, so I'm gearing up to say that one word that's so hard for me: no. I pretty much suck at that. It takes so much effort! I'll practice in the mirror.

"No, thank you. I just can't make it."

"Wow, that sounds like fun, but I'd better not."

"I'd love to have lunch with you, but how about in a couple weeks?"

Those lines all sound pretty good. Now if I can just remember to use them. ;-D

On the zen side of my life - I planted my first round of vegies - radishes, lettuce, fennel bulb, carrots, broccoli, and snap peas. They've begun popping up out of the ground, and I'm excited. I love gardening! In a month or so I'll plant my summer squash, lemon cucumbers, tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, and 3 kinds of green beans. Yay! Hopefully we'll have a bountiful summer.

Now, on with my crazy weekend, before a crazy week, before a couple weeks of quiet.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Ode to you

I woke up early this morning and now the sun is turning the sky different colors and the birds are all singing their songs. The sounds of a spring morning are so different from winter - the tires hum on the road instead of crunching through snow, the birds sing, occasionally there is the tish-tish-tish of a sprinkler. And this morning there are gray and pink clouds that look like the ragged leftovers of a thunderstorm. Maybe it rained on the western side of the pass. 

I looked through your pics on facebook, and was transported to your side, to the weekend of your wedding, to the memories I'll carry with me always. Seavey's dining room in that beautiful yellow light. The Christmas pictures. The feather-filled globes. The beautiful mushroom you didn't know actually existed - neither did I! Little Nigel with the sun glowing through his ears. Christina, Dave and Tommie sitting in those chairs. Ben's rumpled-ness. 

My heart filled with memories, felt heavy - like a wool blanket on the coldest day - with that deep joy and satisfaction and connection and love and contentment I felt as I cooked, decorated, talked, loved, laughed throughout your wedding weekend.

I love your pictures. I love that I know you well enough that your pictures make me long to give you a hug, to walk and talk with you, to cook with you, to just be with you.

I love that your pictures conjure up such lovely thoughts for me, and that I continue to be in awe of the privileged weekend that was your wedding, your vow-exchange, your end and beginning all at once, your lavishing of love and being lavished upon, your day of beauty when you were the whitest daisy in the meadow, the bluest feather on the jay, the most golden leaf of fall, the greenest tree of spring.

Your smile is love. Your heart is grace. Your eye is beauty.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Another roller coaster

My toe is healing nicely. The dizziness is almost gone. I got my blood tests back and I'm not in menopause. All that is good.

The bad news is that tomorrow I go to my gyn for a "biopsy" to see if there is more endometriosis growing. If there is, then that opens a whole bag of unanswered questions that I'll get answered as I need to.

I'm trying to not worry. I'm actively working to expect life to just go on as usual and even if I need surgery again for it to be laparoscopic - not like it was in 2010. I'm planning my summer veg garden, planting my wildflower seeds, leaving unfinished laundry and not stocking up the fridge. I'm not lying in bed worrying. I'm not talking about it non-stop. Wait - that last one might not be true. ;-D

I'm trying to just carry on.

It is quite frustrating that my body won't just let me be - it keeps having issues. Wish I was one of those healthy, robust people, but there is such a long list of "worse things", so I'll just count my blessings, focus on the good, and take one step at a time!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Highs and lows

I'm not having a very good week. I guess that might be kind of a disappointing start to my first post in over a month, but I'll just be honest...

... but there are plenty of good things going on, too.

Life's been kind of a whirlwind! It's been a very busy month, with quite a bit of emotional turmoil, and I think that's why I haven't written much. I'll try to get back into it. :)

Meanwhile, here are a few of the highs and lows...

Our church did an art show called Perspectives on the Passion. Any artist in town was invited to submit a piece inspired by a station of the Cross. I decided to try my hand at "freestyle quilting". I was assigned the station of Jesus being condemned by the Sanhedrin - the Jewish high court. It took me a while to figure out how I wanted to portray that, but I ended up being quite pleased with my piece. :) Not the greatest picture, but you can get the idea. This is all layers of cloth that were layered, then quilted over the top.


I took a trip to see my old friend Julie and that was an amazing week. We did some work on her house (whew! wore me out!), had tons of laughs, and even got a girls' night out. A wonderful visit!

Spring has come early to Colorado, and my garden is already showing signs of life. Looks like most of what I planted over the past few years has survived another winter, so I should have lovely flowers this summer. The rhubarb I transplanted from my dad's garden is going like gangbusters, and that makes me very happy. Soon it will be time to plant the lovely seeds I purchased over the winter - heirloom lemon cucumbers, atomic mix carrots, sugar pumpkins, snap peas, yellow squash... Yum! Should be a fruitful summer. :)

Those are the highs, along with some other things. Here are the lows...

Tim and I found out that two of our very best and oldest friends are getting a divorce. This has been pretty tough for us to handle. We love them both so much! Amazing things are happening, though, and Tim and I hope to keep both friendships. Lots of grieving, talking, crying, journaling, praying going on...

...and I'm not having the best of weeks. I woke up Monday morning to a strange dizziness that is dissipating, but not as quickly as I'd like. I'll give it a few more days before I go to the doctor. Inner ear infection?

I am on my way to get a huge panel of blood work done because my gyn thinks I might be in early (very early!) menopause. I guess there's some stuff I won't miss, but it sure feels like adding insult to the injury of not being a mom - really closing the door on the dream of ever getting pregnant.

I did our taxes yesterday, and we owe way more than I anticipated. Argh.

And then, to top it all off, last night I stubbed my toe. Ow.


I mean - really stubbed it! Think it's broken? Tim assures me it's not. Good thing he's a doctor (Ph.D. in Industrial Engineering). Too bad he's not that kind of doctor. ;-D Rest, ice, tlc. That's all the doc would say anyway ...

May next week bring more of the good and less of the bad! And may I not run into anymore furniture! :)

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

We eat first with our eyes

What is food?


Sustenance.
Nutrition.
Energy.


Mystery.


Each grain of rice locked up rock hard until treated with boiling water, then tender and full of aroma, the staple of half the world.

And an egg, sealed in its shell, hardly ever eaten raw, but cooked just about any way you can think of? A treasure of flavor and nutrition.


There's not much we eat that does not hold the potential to give tremendous pleasure. A simple carrot, while sweet and satisfying in its raw crunch, when roasted at just the right temperature with butter and herbs until the outside is caramelized and it is tender all the way through is full of richness and flavor. A potato, boiled then left to cool, when reheated is surprisingly silky. And chicken, the blandest of meats, but marinate it with the simplest of flavorings and it is a burst of wonder in the mouth.


I know there are plenty of people who eat to live, and that is a fine way. And perhaps I shouldn't live quite so much to eat, but what joy and pleasure to think of a meal, shop for the ingredients, prepare it with pleasure, and delight those eating? What better way to show them my love? What better way to show my joy?


Needless to say, I am thankful - for all these taste treasures, for all the hidden bites, for the samplings from around the world. Those vibrant, new-grass green olives that surprised me so the first time I ate them. A deep, dark chocolate cake laced with just a hint of cayenne that dances on the tongue and widens eyes.


Simple pleasures. Extravagant flavor!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Wealth

I laughed and wrestled and tickled with my nephews this afternoon, delighting in their squeals and fat hands. They gripped my long hair like reigns as I bucked and crawled around the living room, and later we tumbled and tossed on piles of pillows. They are old enough now to ask for what they want - a tickle hug, horse ride, Lego building - and we laugh away an afternoon, with only the occasional sour face.

I am delighted to arrive home tired, sore, my hair a crazy mess, my knees scuffed from crawling. How could I be anything other than delighted to play with these precious boys. Their love, their open and easy smiles, their fascination with all that surrounds them - all these things bring a thimble full of healing to my wounded heart. I have lots of love to give, and have been blessed with so many to love - family and otherwise.

I am rich.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Chocolate Pie

I was standing in the kitchen making a chocolate pie for my hubby (a deep, dark chocolate pie, made with bittersweet chocolate and with a sky-high meringue - where is my camera when I really need it!!) when one of the most beautiful songs in my "Quiet" mix began. It is lovely, romantic, sad. Slow and sweet. Beautiful. Everything one wants in a love song.

And it brought tears to my eyes.

Not because I haven't gotten flowers yet this Valentine's Day. Not because I don't feel loved enough. Not for any of those reasons. But because of a realization that hits me now and then...

...this love Tim and I share, this wonderful, deep, ever-growing, falling in love again and again love that we share - it is not going to result in beautiful children with my dark brown hair and his gray-green eyes, his strength of mind and my passionate spirit. We won't look across the room and see ourselves reflected in little faces . We're just going to be "us two".

Now that we're living in this reality, now that we've said it out loud, now that I'm trying to feel, grieve, heal, work through it - it feels so very real.

Valentine's Day is, indeed, about love. And I do love Tim so very much. But there's a sadness there, too.

I guess it's the very definition of bittersweet...

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Mmmmm....

Think you don't like oatmeal? Think again!

Have you ever tried steel cut oats? Very different texture and flavor to that yucky, instant stuff in the paper envelope. Go to your local grocery store and buy yourself a package. You just might be surprised by the flavor, texture and deliciousness of this morning treat!

Here are easy instructions...
  • Melt 2 tsp butter in a pan, add 1 c. oats and cook over fairly high heat until the raw oats are lightly toasted.
  • Add 3 c boiling water and a light sprinkle of salt to the pan. Stir to combine well, then reduce the heat to a very low simmer. Cook about 25 minutes, stirring once or twice.
  • When most of the water has been absorbed, stir 1 c milk into the oatmeal. Cook another 10 minutes or until the milk has been mostly absorbed.
  • Lightly sweeten and add raisins - if you want.

This recipe should make enough for 2 breakfasts. Reheat in the microwave or on the stove.

Delish!

Morning thoughs

I'm up early this morning, fooling around on Tim's laptop while I keep warm under the covers. Egg is snuggling next to me, wishing I would stop typing and go back to sleep! The sun has made it's way past the horizon, gradually lightening the sky, and another day is upon us. The early morning flow of traffic has just begun, and soon I'll see families walking their kids to the nearby school. A cup of hot tea might soon be calling my name, and I'll stay warm with slippers and a sweater instead of these blankets. :)

I haven't written much lately. Not sure why. Nothing unusual going on, perhaps, and my hours are full. Working occasionally at the library, still editing for the engineering journal, cooking, doing laundry, hanging with friends - the usual stuff. A housewife's life. Tim was gone all last week on a business trip, and I loved my quiet days at home. I got lots of housework done, and finally took down all the Christmas decorations. Whew!

I've been thinking a lot about Dad these days, and am continuing to work through the reality of being an adult orphan. I think it doesn't matter how old you are when you lose your parents - knowing you are now without them has an impact on your psyche. Of course, I don't need much "parenting" these days, but I sure do miss Mom and Dad. I miss their wisdom. I miss Dad's laugh and the great conversations we had over breakfast. I miss what great cheerleaders Mom and Dad were and how they always encouraged me - in so many ways! Dad was my greatest cheerleader over the last 5 or 6 years, and I especially miss that. It is hard to suddenly not have someone consistently saying, "Great job! I love what I see in your life!" I'm having to be my own cheerleader, and it just isn't quite the same.

So just a little shade of blue to the start of this year. I have some friends who are really hurting. Tough stuff going on in their lives. Really tough stuff, and I am very thankful that our most difficult times have not overlapped. They were there for me in my darkest hours, and I hope I can give them the same kind of support. It seems that we have so much choice in our lives - how we handle the challenges that come our way. Will we choose to stay in the valleys, in the darkness, or will we find a way out, becoming stronger because of the struggle? If we choose the latter, if we choose to fight and grow, perhaps we can then be the strong shoulder for someone to lean on when they need it. I hope this is true for me.

Anyway, there's my musing for this morning. As my neighborhood awakens, as Tim begins to stir, as I think about my day and what I need to do - I am thankful for so much. Within the ups and downs of life, I feel a growing sense of comfort with who I am and where I can be of use. And that's a good thing.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Challenged and fed

"It was just minutes later that the dolphins came. ... I had never seen wild dolphins before, and I laughed out loud as they swept past Iduna. ... they leapt at her bow and dived beneath us ... they would turn their heads on one side and look up, and at the same time I could reach down and touch them. This is what being here is all about, I thought."

These are Ellen MacArthur's words as she left port one morning on her first solo sail of considerable length (around the island of Britain) at the age of 18. Ellen's love for sailing and the sea came early in her life and quickly developed into a consuming passion. She tossed aside her thoughts of becoming a veterinarian, or anything else for that matter, and turned all of her energy toward her goal of accomplishing all she could as a sailor.

Taking on the World is Ellen's personal story of her journeys - both internal and external - as she learns about herself, about sailing, and as she tackles what to me seem unimaginable goals including a solo trip around the globe. She speaks with clarity, not shying from struggles and heartaches, but her joy and love of the sea and sailing come through.

How inspiring, how motivating to read someone's story as they pursue their goals with passion and vigor! What would I like to accomplish in my life? What goals lie hidden inside me? Do I have the energy and stamina to pursue them? Perhaps my goals are of a much smaller ilk, but I nevertheless feel energized thinking about the small steps I can take. I love what books do for my mind! :-)

And the there's Don't Let's Go to the Dogs Tonight - Alexandra Fuller's autobiography of her childhood in Zimbabwe in the 1970s and 80s. I related to so much in this book - being a white child on a continent of brown-skinned people, feeling like a native but knowing I somehow am not fully so, struggling to find my place in my ever-changing world. But unlike mine, her story is filled with heartache at the death of 2 siblings and the toll that took on her family, her mother's struggle with depression, the war and revolution that surrounded her. Yet she tells all these stories with such a light hand - not making light of life's tragedies, but taking them in stride, not allowing them to kill her spirit, finding a way to keep going with joy and perseverance. The book's closing sentence says it all:

This is not a full circle. It's Life carrying on. It's the next breath we all take. It's the choice we make to get on with it.

Once again, a book inspires me to not give up, to not lie down, but to keep going - and perhaps with even more vigor and perseverance than I had yesterday.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Just us

We said it...

...out loud.

Without God's direct intervention, we will not be parents.


Standing in the bathroom, our arms around each other, tears in our eyes.

After so many years of wanting, hoping, wondering, skirting the issue, looking at it head-on, and everything in between - we said it out loud.

Is my heart overwhelmed or suddenly healed? Neither.

But I do feel a tiny grain of hope that healing will come. I do. I feel the tiniest seed inside me growing, knowing that God will take this loss of motherhood and heal it in my heart.

Will my arms always feel the emptiness of never having held my own child? Will I always see the joy of toddlers with a twinge of bittersweet?

Maybe. I don't know. So much I don't know, really.

I don't know God's purpose in this. I don't know why Tim and I, with our deep love, with our already long history, with our desire to be great parents - why we're the ones without a child to love.

But I do know this...

In our house, the wonder of Christmas will be found in our eyes, and the 4th of July fireworks will amaze us, and we'll be the ones laughing with joy at the new kitten. As we grow up and grow old - the joy that children carry? - we two will keep it alive in our own hearts.

And there is one other thing I do know...

The LORD is my shepherd. I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.