Christmas Eve

I started out this holiday season full of energy. Maybe too much energy, because I said yes to too many things. We've discussed this already.

And then there were some complications to the season that have taken all the wind out of my sails. I awoke this morning not feeling any of the joy or wonder of the next two days.

And as if in conspiracy to compound these low and dark emotions, my usually easy and (may I say it?) delicious pie crust failed - twice! What happened today? Does my crust only work when it's made in a spirit of love and joy?

I know this is all about feelings. And feelings don't necessarily reflect truth, reflect reality.

I feel alone, because this "complication" is something I have to handle on my own.

I know the prayers of my wonderful friends are being lifted up on my behalf.

I feel like today will be a challenge - spending the day with people, people who expect me to be cheery and joyful when all I feel like doing is crawling back into bed with my book and kitty.

I know God is big enough to give me joy today.

But I'm not finding the joy. I did some good journaling, but it seemed only to help me identify what I needed to do, not how to do it. I feel helpless and caught in a tangle of feelings. What's brought me here? Have the cheering and boosting benefits of my vitamin D reached their limit here, in the shortest days of the year (meaning: is this sadness chemical)? Am I just worn out? Or have I not stopped enough to listen and pray?

Ding, ding!!

I went to aholyexperience.com and read one of her posts. It summed up my feelings, but also reminded me where I can find my joy. Go read this post. It is beautiful.

She says:

Lord God...I simply Come to the Light.

That's all I need this Christmas.

In the dark, to rest in the healing warmth of You.

I don't need to try to be happy, joyful, peaceful, or any of those things we want to be, especially this time of year. All I need to do is take my eyes off me, and put them back on Christ. Like Peter walking on the water, when he took his eyes of Christ, he started to sink. This is what I'll put in the forefront of my mind today: look to Christ. His light shines in my darkness.

And it is not for myself or others that I make pie, wrap presents, spend the day with family. It is for him - my gift to give back to him. That I can do, and with joy.

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2009/12/when-darkness-encroaches-too-close.html