Choices

Summer is coming, and with it all the tough anniversaries I've got to face for the first time.

the e-mail from Indonesia telling us Dad was sick
Dad came home
went into the hospital
got his diagnosis
the day he died
I got sick
I was told I might have cancer
my surgery

To a large extent, I have a choice in how I handle each of these. But I don't have total control. Part of the healthy process is to feel the pain, look the memory in the eye and feel what I need to. Otherwise, there's no processing and no healing. And I can't control how much it's going to hurt if choose to look right at it.

But I will choose not to dwell. I will not wallow. I want to make good, healthy choices and allow myself to heal, keep moving forward.

So I'll do that - I'll do my best to look my grief in the face, cry the tears I need to, then turn around and look back to the future. And all the while I'll keep asking God for help, for wisdom, for strength, assurance of His love, His tender care.

I'll tend my garden, go on hikes, watch baseball with Tim. I'll journal, cry, listen to beautiful music. And I'll look outside my windows at the beautiful, blue Colorado sky and thank God for each day of my life that I got to spend with my dad, each conversation we had or breakfast, and that I have a life so filled with good things.

I'll come through this season, this summer of tough memories, a little bruised, but not battered.

It's part of the simple beauty of the healing that time can bring.