Choice

I want to write a post that is filled with joy and fun! I want a day that is marvelous with no sadness. I want to not miss Dad every day.

But I don't want to be fake.

It's not like I'm sitting around constantly fighting back tears. And I certainly am still enjoying plenty of things - laughing out loud, even! And I'm even planning fun - one of my very best friends is visiting me, and I've got tickets in hand for two Rockies games.

But this grief thing just drags on and on. I know this is perfectly natural. I know I will work through it on my own time, and that I don't have too much control over how long that takes. After all, it hasn't even been a year yet.

This Sunday I hope to get away to the mountains by myself with a good book, my journal, some music, and maybe The Good Book. I want to read some Psalms, spend some time journaling, telling God what's going on in my heart, give Him all that's on my heart and allow Him to work it out like pulling taffy. Not disappear the sadness like a good fairy with a magic wand, but rather take this bone-deep sorrow, these tears, and heal them, transform them into something that will make me stronger, more tender, more filled with grace toward others, more reliant on Him, and more easily turned toward joy.

I love this God who loves me. I love His heart for me. I love that He wants to fill my life with joy. And I reach out my hands and say, "Yes! Lay it on me!"

I'll take that portion of joy, eat it up, and allow it to balance the sadness of missing Dad.

I can choose how I live my life. I will endeavor to choose joy.