Just us

We said it...

...out loud.

Without God's direct intervention, we will not be parents.

Standing in the bathroom, our arms around each other, tears in our eyes.

After so many years of wanting, hoping, wondering, skirting the issue, looking at it head-on, and everything in between - we said it out loud.

Is my heart overwhelmed or suddenly healed? Neither.

But I do feel a tiny grain of hope that healing will come. I do. I feel the tiniest seed inside me growing, knowing that God will take this loss of motherhood and heal it in my heart.

Will my arms always feel the emptiness of never having held my own child? Will I always see the joy of toddlers with a twinge of bittersweet?

Maybe. I don't know. So much I don't know, really.

I don't know God's purpose in this. I don't know why Tim and I, with our deep love, with our already long history, with our desire to be great parents - why we're the ones without a child to love.

But I do know this...

In our house, the wonder of Christmas will be found in our eyes, and the 4th of July fireworks will amaze us, and we'll be the ones laughing with joy at the new kitten. As we grow up and grow old - the joy that children carry? - we two will keep it alive in our own hearts.

And there is one other thing I do know...

The LORD is my shepherd. I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.