We sang Christmas carols in church on this first Sunday of Advent, and it gladdened my heart.
To be honest, as many of you know, the holiday season has for many years not been a time of great joy for me. It has been a season of much hurt, stress, and sadness. There are lots of reasons for this, but much of the time it has centered around Tim and my loss of children and the loss of both my parents. These have left holes in my heart that are only highlighted this time of year by the innumerable family-centric events. Every commercial on television, every church event, every party it seems involves families celebrating together.
But this year feels different.
Just a week ago, Tim and I were involved in an event that highlighted these very losses. I came home feeling really down, teary, sad. It wasn't a good night. But as I closed my eyes for sleep, God spoke such words of comfort and tenderness to me. He reminded me that my life isn't an accident. He reminded me that the losses I've sustained are, in fact, a part of his plan, part of his master weaving of my life, and they are part of what makes me who I am and allows me to live the life I lead - to be involved in so many people's lives, to walk alongside friends who are hurting, to love friends in a special way when their hearts are broken.
Perhaps it seems odd that this was a comfort, but it indeed was. A deep comfort. It reminded me of the great things about my life, the many friends I have, the time I have been allowed to spend with friends - the kind of time that mothers of small children just don't have. What a gift that has been to me! How it has filled up the empty places of my heart in a real and palpable way!
And so this Sunday, I rejoiced in the truth of these lines we sang:
You are so good to me
You heal my broken heart
You are my Father in heaven....
How blessed I am that the God of the universe, my Father in heaven, loves me, cares enough about me to mend the broken places, fill all my needs, take my earthly father and mother's places, and walk with me through all of life.
The ultimate gift.
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