With and without

I'm watching an old episode of Project Runway - one where the designers' moms all show up on set to be their muse and model for the next project. They scream, burst into tears, hug, celebrate. The producers of these shows do this every so often - to pull at our heartstrings, to keep us watching, to get us emotionally involved. It works.

I cry, too, watching all these young people and their joy at seeing their mothers, and it is hard to describe the deep feeling in my heart, the immediate welling of tears.

My mom will never surprise me at the airport. I won't get a surprise phone call on my birthday or Christmas day. I won't ever get another precious Valentine's Day card from my dad. I'm having to learn how to do all those things, continue to celebrate all those days without a parent.

I miss my mom and dad. Mom's been gone since '96, but now having lost Dad makes me miss Mom more than I have for several years.

I'm an orphan. Not many people who haven't lost both parents really understand that. "You're an adult," you can see them thinking. "Why would you describe yourself that way?"

I'm not saying I am in terrible pain every day ... but I surely do miss them.

My heart is healing, in small steps, in a thousand small ways. I planted a fall-harvest vegetable garden, and each little seed seems to represent a step in my healing. Last summer and fall, contemplating a new garden seemed impossible, too painful. This summer and fall, that new life feels good, healing.

And as I manage my life, make choices about spending time with people, figure out the balance between serving others and taking care of myself and Tim, I find myself thinking about Mom and what she would have done. She had pretty good boundaries, and seemed to have a wisdom about all this. I'd love to hear her opinion, but I did have some good talks with Dad about it - and that will have to be enough.

After all, in the end the person I want to please is neither my mom nor my dad. It is God. Is he pleased with my life, my choices? Am I growing in the ways he would like? How can I discern that through the chaos and noise of this world?

So I keep moving onward, keeping planting new things, keep learning about myself and who I should be. All without a mom or dad to help guide me.

I miss my parents - sometimes in a searing, heart-pounding way - but even in the missing I can see the many who surround me, love me deeply, and walk the path with me.