Conflict

One friend's child is only 3 - a feather in my arms - her skin the dark brown of her birth mother's homeland. Her easy smile enchanting. Her small voice full of acceptance and love.

Another is now a man. He towers over me and a hug from him is no longer that of a child. He speaks in deep tones, and his walk and manner remind me more and more of his father.

Time has passed, years have gone by, and still I am without a child of my own. And now that I'm 40, and have been married for almost 20 years, do I really want the disorder, frustration, and drastic change that having a child would bring, to my life personally, and the life of my marriage? Or will the hope and promise of love, the fulfillment of the dream of children outweight my fears and worries?

Ah, the conflict that continues to rage within me. I pray, I give my questions to God, I share my thoughts and concerns with friends, counselors, my family. No one has the answer. That I'll have to discern for myself. Husband and I will have to somehow come to an answer together.

But tonight I go to bed, my brain seemingly imprinted with the feeling of a child in my arms.