They're coming thick and fast now, and lasting longer, and more intense, and last night waking me with throbbing pain, leaking into my dreams, and still half asleep I somehow thought someone was dying because of my pain - that weird mixture of waking and sleeping when our dreams bleed into wakefulness, but we can't quite separate the two, and when pain makes everything surreal. I remember crying out before I knew I was still dreaming, before I was fully awake.
I gingerly walk to the bathroom to spill medicine into my palm, wash it down with water. Twice I do this between lights out and sunrise. As the morning comes, my pain is diminished but not gone, and I am worn out from the beating I've taken through the night.
This has been a summer of headaches - almost daily, but until just a couple days ago brief and of low intensity. The barometric shifts? The intensity of the light? Research, reading, food diaries reveal nothing more for me to do than just wait it out ... or go on the preventative drug with all its weird side affects. But a night like last night makes me wonder - is it time? I'd so rather not.
Meanwhile, I'll do what I always do. Cancel what I need to. Keep doing what I can. Enjoy the days I feel good. Try to just rest and not get frustrated the days I have to lie around. There are, in fact, lovely elements of those bed-stay days - Egg's snuggling, fun movies, good books, naps, simple meals.
And I'm having plenty of good days to hike, cook, enjoy summer.
Balance. It's all about balance. I can't control my body - that is a lesson learned many years ago, made more clear each year. So I will keep working to find joy even in the crazy hours, the days I'm awakened predawn with pain but get to see the sunrise, hear the first bird's call.
Because the bottom line for me is ... I've tasted and seen that the Lord is good. The flavor of his goodness stays on my tongue and drives away the bitterness of ugly days. Not pious cliche, but experienced truth. I've said it before and I'll continue to assert it.
Balance. Rest. Beauty. Goodness.
The other side of the coin.
1 comment:
Cindy...your heart is beautiful.
Honestly, every time I feel like I need encouragement, I come read your blog. I don't know how you do it. The other night, when my headache was so bad I couldn't stand it, and even throwing up wouldn't make it go away, I thought I would die before I felt relief. When I get a headache, all I can think about is the pain, and desperately wish for the time it will be gone. I'm amazed by how much you do. I'm so thankful for your sweet words, and your precious self coming through my computer screen. I'd love to spend a day of rest on the couch, scones, movies, funny chats, long painful teary heart to hearts. I long for Colorado so much sometimes, because my time there was so sweet to me, so many memories filled with you.
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