Rich

What is fruitcake? Why is it such a big deal?

Just recently I was asked about the history of fruitcake, and I had to make some guesses, but here's what the Smithsonian has to say:

...the modern fruitcake can be traced back to the Middle Ages as dried fruits became more widely available and fruited breads entered Western European cuisine. ...variations started springing up: Italy's dense, sweet and spicy panforte dates back to 18th century Sienna; Germany's stollen...has been a Dresden delicacy sense the 1400s....

In the 18th and 19th centuries, due to the cost of the materials, fruitcake was a grand indulgence. And it still is! Some years I catch all the ingredients on sale. Bonus!

How it became associated with Christmas and how it fell from grace are both mysteries; however, the nail may have been ...driven into the coffin in the early 20th century when mass-produced mail-order fruitcakes became available, creating the regrettably classic image of a dry, leaden cake encrusted with garish candied fruits and pecans.

Leaden? Dry? I say, "Fie on thee!"

I think the first time I had fruitcake was about 10 years ago when my sister was visiting me. We pulled out the Joy of Cooking (classic cookbook!) and made our grand baking plans. And why not include fruitcake? Wasn't it supposed to be delicious? Wondrous?

So began my tradition of baking fruitcakes. I love them. And what's not to love? I start with premium dried fruits - dates, cranberries, golden raisins, cherries, currants - and then I soak them in good quality rum. Seriously? What's not delicious about that? :-D

 

Then I cream together a rather large amount of butter and brown sugar, and add a good number of eggs. Oh, the luscious combination of butter and sugar ... and to add the richness of eggs to that? A classic batter. Delish.

Then I mix it all together (along with a few other things), line my pans with parchment and more butter, spoon in the thick concoction, cover it all with foil, and bake it slowly, allowing my house to fill with amazing smells. Ooooh!

The result?

Rich, sweet, fruity, buttery cake that I slice thinly and serve on beautiful china. It is worth the effort. It is divine to eat. I love it!

Still not convinced? Stop on by ... and we'll share some together with a nice pot of tea. I'm always up for a challenge. Changing your mind, that is... ;-)

Beauty

I am surrounded by beauty. 

Friday evening I went to a madrigal dinner that a very good friend was in. I've never before been to a madrigal, and oh how I enjoyed it! The costumes, the humor, and the music. Oh, the music! The voices were rich and full, the songs beautiful, the warmth of the evening warmed my whole heart. When I got home late that evening, I stood for a moment in my back yard in the cold, the snow, the quiet night and just took a moment to breath it all in. A special moment, an early Christmas gift.

Saturday I taught two lovely young ladies how to make jam - pear preserves, specifically. Laughing, talking, working together, the house filling with the sweet smell of sugar and fruit, the windows steaming from the boiling pots. Such fun! And such a privilege to be friends with these ladies. One of them told me recently that, even though I'm not that much older than her (she's being kind) I have a very motherly spirit. She said she doesn't see me as a mother figure - just a friend - but that motherliness touches her. Wow - that speaks right to the depths of my heart! Such affirming words. Another gift.

Sunday - we hosted a party for a newlywed couple who wanted to share their leftover wedding cake with friends. I make chili and coleslaw, they brought beer and bread, and about 20 people crowded into my little house and spent the afternoon together. It was downright jolly. I love it when my house is filled with friends - the sound of their voices, their laughter, just their presence is a gift to me.

And then this morning, I woke up unusually early. I needed to clean-up some from yesterday's party as my sister is coming over to bake today! Yay and fun! :-D I stood at my sink washing dishes, and at just the same moment, Harry Connick's "Ave Maria" began to swell and the sun broke through the clouds, golden morning sun lighting the snow and bare trees outside my kitchen window.

My heart feels so full this morning. I feel like I'm being given daily gifts - music, a peaceful home, friends, family, winter's beauty, affirming words. What a miracle for me to feel so much peace and joy. I am thankful.

December 1

We sang Christmas carols in church on this first Sunday of Advent, and it gladdened my heart.

To be honest, as many of you know, the holiday season has for many years not been a time of great joy for me. It has been a season of much hurt, stress, and sadness. There are lots of reasons for this, but much of the time it has centered around Tim and my loss of children and the loss of both my parents. These have left holes in my heart that are only highlighted this time of year by the innumerable family-centric events. Every commercial on television, every church event, every party it seems involves families celebrating together.

But this year feels different.

Just a week ago, Tim and I were involved in an event that highlighted these very losses. I came home feeling really down, teary, sad. It wasn't a good night. But as I closed my eyes for sleep, God spoke such words of comfort and tenderness to me. He reminded me that my life isn't an accident. He reminded me that the losses I've sustained are, in fact, a part of his plan, part of his master weaving of my life, and they are part of what makes me who I am and allows me to live the life I lead - to be involved in so many people's lives, to walk alongside friends who are hurting, to love friends in a special way when their hearts are broken.

Perhaps it seems odd that this was a comfort, but it indeed was. A deep comfort. It reminded me of the great things about my life, the many friends I have, the time I have been allowed to spend with friends - the kind of time that mothers of small children just don't have. What a gift that has been to me! How it has filled up the empty places of my heart in a real and palpable way!

And so this Sunday, I rejoiced in the truth of these lines we sang:

You are so good to me
You heal my broken heart
You are my Father in heaven....

How blessed I am that the God of the universe, my Father in heaven, loves me, cares enough about me to mend the broken places, fill all my needs, take my earthly father and mother's places, and walk with me through all of life.

The ultimate gift.

Ah, Friday

 Anyone who knows me knows that my house is a mess - especially this particular house in which my hubby and I live. Truth be told, we haven't effectively downsized from our previous house, and the result is pretty much a constant mess. I swing back and forth between feeling content enough ("This is just how we live") and feeling incredibly frustrated about it. 

Mom's bear - Nicholas

It's been an odd week. Monday I had a fever and in the afternoon a migraine. Tuesday I was still battling the fever, and that evening my left eye became very irritated. Wasn't sure what was going on. During the night it became clear I had conjunctivitis (pink eye!), and that raged all through Wed, but was much improved on Thursday (thanks, Becky, for the drops!). This morning (Friday), I woke up with a cold. Bother.

Not an ideal week on the health front.

But on the upside, despite feeling pretty crummy most days this week, I actually accomplished quite a bit. I almost kept up with the dishes, we ordered out supper only 1 time, I eliminated 1 1/2 large piles from my desk, I sorted through some of our storage stuff, I did some laundry (washed and put away), and I had a couple great conversations with friends. So all in all, it was a great week!

This afternoon the fall sun is shining in my windows, my hard wood floors and pretty flowered and striped curtains are practically glowing from the light, and the piles of stuff just aren't bothering me very much. Perhaps it's because I am actually making progress on the problem areas. Perhaps God is teaching me more and more about being comfortable in my own skin and loving myself enough to extend grace to myself. Perhaps it is just the warmth of this lovely November day.
 

 Whatever the case, this lovely feeling is a pretty darn good way to end such a crazy week! I'm feeling warm, thankful and peaceful. Wonderful! :-)

A lot to say about love and community...

It was a sweet week and a fun weekend. I feel like God is really showering me with love right now.

Halloween night friends gathered at our neighbors' house. We at chili and cornbread, we talked and laughed, we took turns holding their sweet baby. And as trick or treaters approached the house, we'd gather at their big front window and watch the kids coming to the door, taking turns handing out candy, being quite silly. It was a jolly evening that ended with just a small group gathered around a fire outside. Lovely, hilarious, filled with the comfort of friends and love.

Friday was a bittersweet day as my sister had to put down her beloved kitty. She'd had him for many years and so his passing was terribly painful for her. I was so privileged to be with her as the vet did what she had to do. We held Tootsie, loved on him, cried together. But I was so glad to be there.

That night my brother came down from Denver where he lives. Mutual friends were getting married on Saturday, so Matt came and stayed with us. :-) Since a whole group of our friends really misses him since he moved away, we invited folks over for dinner. I made one of Matt's favorites - fettuccine alfredo with teriyaki chicken. An oddly delish combination! ;-)

After dinner, a good friend and I again ended up outside by the fire - just the two of us - and we had a wonderful conversation. We talked about a lot of different stuff... What do our clothes say - are they a reflection of who we are, our personality? Do we feel free to dress the way we want? And we talked about my messy house. I said how happy it makes me just how comfortable people feel in my home, how they seem to feel free to just come over, hang out, chill. And my friend said he thinks the messiness adds to that feeling of ease - that there's no fear of messing something up, that our house exudes comfort and a relaxed spirit. What a blessing for him to say that! What a blessing to have my house filled with friends relaxing and having fun.

It was another evening of laughter, fire, food, and friends. What could be better?


Saturday was the day of the long-anticipated wedding! Many of us gathered to help decorate for the reception, and the room echoed with our talking, our laughter, just about everyone holding a cup of something hot. The wedding was magical, beautiful! I love that moment when the groomsmen are all in place, and the bridesmaids begin walking down the aisle. Almost without fail, the groom's expression changes - from relaxed excitement to just a moment of anxiety, nervousness, sometimes just a flash of fear. Whoa! This is really happening! And then he sees his bride, and everything changes again. His eyes widen, he smiles, and the love that he feels washes over everyone watching as we all stand and turn to watch his beloved walk toward him. I love it!

At this wedding, the bride and groom have had some real adversity to overcome, and the joy, relief, and excitement was so obvious on both their faces. There were lots of tears of joy, their faces were just shining with happiness. It was quite an occasion. The reception was fun, but some of us hadn't had quite enough of community, so afterward we gathered at a friend's house for take-out Chinese and a movie.

And for two nights over this sweet weekend Matt stayed with us. We don't have a spare room, or even a spare bed, so Matt just crashes on our couch. It is pretty darn comfy! ;-) But I hope he knows how welcome he is here. He just fits right in. He hangs out with us. He eats whatever is being served. He just slides right into our lives. I miss him! Sure wish God had seen fit to provide him a job here instead of Denver, but meanwhile, I just relish the times he's here with us. It's pretty darn sweet.

Quite a weekend - so filled with love, friends I adore, and the comfort of being together.

It reminded me of similar times we had when we lived in Rolla. Sometimes we'd just go back and forth from one house to another - lunch at one, dinner at another, never really ready to say "goodnight". My bestie and I used to joke about someday building a communal house in which our two families would live - with separate living quarters so our husbands could get their time alone while we spent all day together. ;-)

And so on this quiet Monday, I'm thinking a lot about these hours spent with friends and family. I'm thinking about the many precious friends I've had over the years. I'm thinking how blessed I am in so many ways. I'm thinking how wonderful each of you is who has blessed me with your friendship, and how rich my life has been.

One more thought: There is no doubt that our struggle with infertility was tough. Horrible. Painful. But as our hearts have begun to heal from our loss of children, I can see a glimpse of a plan. What a joy it is to see, to feel, to know how much love fills our lives. We are surrounded by love - family, neighbors, friends near and far. And our childless home has become a sanctuary for our friends where they can come and relax, leave behind at least some of their troubles, be fed with food and friendship, fire and love.

And it is sweet.

August was...

I love weddings. I love the reminder of Tim and my life, of the choices we've made over the years, and how much we love one another. 

August was filled with weddings ... outdoor, mountain-style weddings where guests wore pretty dresses, sat around campfires, and danced all night. Weddings where the music played, lights twinkled, and pretty fabric banners greeted us with smiles.  Weddings where it was all about the bride and groom - where they're from, where they're going, who they are, and the kind of lives they've chosen.

Neither Tim nor I dance, and so we often spend receptions sitting next to one another, sipping on drinks, watching everyone else dance, express themselves, have tons of fun. We're having fun, too, but in a quiet, subdued way. That might seem a little strange considering how loud and boisterous we both are, but it's just what we do. :-)

And I love doing it. I love spending an evening watching folks have such a jolly time. I love sitting there quietly, enjoying the music, enjoying the conversation when friends take a moment to come sit with us, enjoying just being with Tim.

But sometimes, near the end of the evening, when things are winding down, Tim and I have one dance together, our arms around each other, our feet barely moving, my head resting on his shoulder, occasionally looking up into his eyes. It's a precious moment at the end of a wonderful evening.

I love weddings. I love Tim.

And I hope, as summer winds down into fall, that you will be blessed with a moment when your mind is filled with joy and wonder and you can look up at the sky and say, "Ain't life grand!"

A good day!

As I'm sure you know, Colorado has been getting a lot of rain. And by that, I mean record rains. On Tuesday, Sept. 12, many parts of Colorado received as much rain as we sometimes get in a year. It has been rather amazing. Roads are washing away, houses are being destroyed, businesses are suffering. It's been a deluge!

Our basement has been among the literally thousands to have water in it. Luckily for us, it hasn't been much water, so we're all right - just a little stressed. It has, however, encouraged Tim and me to get going on some sorting. I was already planning a garage sale in Oct., so this has just served as further impetus to sort, cull, get rid of...

Today I...

prepped and froze 8 qts of peaches
eliminated 4 boxes from our basement storage
culled out and rearranged my dishes
did a little prep for my Oct garage sale
made bacon ranch pasta salad for a potluck
prepped and then led a meeting
and even took a shower

How's that for a productive day? :-)

The sun is shining for the first time in days and days, and it seems all of us in Colorado are grateful for it - even the rainforest girl. Fall's approach with it's cooler weather, the changing of the leaves, and the cleaning out of the garden is the perfect time to hit these indoor projects. I hope to get lots cleaned out and ready for my garage sale. I hope to get rid of stuff. I hope to let go of some things.

Hard work, but it needs to be done!

Rainy day, sky dark with clouds.


Kitty is asleep in the window sill, wondering where his sunshine is, but happy that the windows are finally open again after summer's heat. 

Bruce Springsteen is keeping me company as I make tomato sauce from my garden's bounty - not a ton since we just eat most of the tomatoes, but enough to enjoy a few times over the winter.

A quiet, lovely day!

These days

It's a Thursday morning and today is laundry day. I'm folding a load of Tim's shorts and t-shirts and it is interesting to me how many of his shirts have a specific memory attached to them. This tie-dyed shirt we bought together at a shop in Fayetteville, that green one is from a rafting trip we took, this one his friend Bill bought him as a joke.

The soft cloth of each t-shirt reminds me of time slipping away, time passing at a rate over which I have no control. Not that I feel old or am running out of time - it's just that it goes so quickly. I seldom seem to get as much done in a day as I hoped, and each week's to-do list has so many undone items on it. Well, so be it. Such is life. :) We each choose our priorities, what tasks we'll tackle, and then unexpected things pop up and everything gets put on hold.

But overall my days and weeks are filled with wonderful things - hanging out with my nephews, cooking together with friends, spending time in my garden, wandering the farmers' market, talking with sisters. I've got a slew of days that are unproductive, some days lost to stupid things like sitting in front of the computer, or not feeling good, but I'm thankful for each one.

Perhaps I'm pensive as the anniversary of my surgery in 2010 rolls around. It seems that this time of year, I am often struck with gratitude that that whole experience ended as it did, ended so well - with a fairly simple surgery and cancer not being the cause of my issues. I'm filled with gratitude that all I had to do was be patient and heal - no oncology appointments, no chemo, no residual fear.

So very thankful.

So I'll happily fold this laundry, go to the grocery store, even sweep my floor. And be thankful for each of my days.

Ups and downs

I didn't end June or begin July in a stellar fashion. Last week was plagued with migraines. Then on Friday I started to get a little cough, which by Sunday evening was pretty awful. I felt progressively worse until I went to the doc on Wednesday - where he pronounced me the lucky winner of double ear infections and a wicked sinus infection. No wonder I felt cruddy!

So I've spent the last 5 days or so lying on the couch and not doing much of anything, scrounging in the fridge for lunches since I haven't made it to the store, staring at the 2 baskets of clean laundry in my living room that I haven't had the energy to fold and put away. And the worst thing about this hacking cough is that it seems to give me a headache which, invariably, turns into a migraine. (My doc would say something about neural pathways and what my body knows. Oh well.)

But here's what I really want to say...

...sometimes when I take my migraine meds, it sort of eases its way along, and the pain gradually disappears. Other times, it kicks in with a wave of euphoria, a feeling that all is well in the world, a deep-down feeling of peace. It's kind of hard to describe - quite a reaction - something which I'm sure is a mixture of the chemical and emotional. Either way, it is a remarkable feeling.

This afternoon, that moment got me to thinking about other things that make me feel that way - things that make me want to sit at a window and journal, or call a sister and tell her something lovely, or squeeze my next door neighbor's baby. ;-)

I'd love to hear what things give you that deep-down feeling of joy, of peace; what things bring you satisfaction in the deepest part of your soul; what things make you smile no matter what else is going on in life. Write a comment and share - I'd love to know!

Here's some of my list:
rain on a summer afternoon
the beauty of the moon seen outside my tent
a field of wildflowers or a forest of fall leaves
hugs and laughter of nieces and nephews
a house full of guys eating something yummy I cooked
sunset at a baseball game - right when the lights come on
singing an old hymn at church
an early morning kiss from Tim
Kai's smile
Ruca greeting me early in the morning when I am watering my garden

That's a long enough list for now. :-)

Happy summer! :-D

Three years

Haven't written in a coon's age. I'll try to get back into it. :)

--------------------------

I woke up super early this morning and was going to just lay in bed and read, but a long list of things to do and the crisp morning air drew me out of bed. Instead of starting on housework and thereby waking Tim up so early, I decided to go weed my veg garden. It was still in the 50s here in Colorado, so I put on a long sleeve shirt. A lovely thing to need to do in the middle of June! :-)

My hands in the dirt, my shoes in slippers, I listen to beautiful music, pick pesky plants that will suck moisture and nutrients from the carrots and radishes I want to grow, and watch the sun as it makes it's way into the sky, finally cresting above the roof of our shed, bringing its warm summer light to the yard.

This quiet, this cool summer morning makes me viscerally remember those few but precious mornings that I drove to the hospital, knowing I would probably get there before anyone else, those precious mornings with Dad as he struggled to live.

Tomorrow is the 3rd anniversary of our loss, his gain. My heart misses him so much. My hands miss him. My eyes miss him. My ears miss him. And when I miss him, it sometimes stirs up missing my mom too - a pain that had in  many ways filtered down to the less immediate rooms of my heart.

I am unspeakably thankful for my dad. I am thankful for his parenting, his mentoring as I became an adult, his affirming of who I am and how I live my life. I am thankful for the way he loved Matt and Melissa and took them as his children, while still deeply honoring their father, Kim, who died in 1995. I am thankful for the work he did to change himself, and thereby change our relationship, the way he faced his fears and weaknesses and, albeit stutteringly (but isn't that always the way?), worked to make himself better. I am thankful for his courage and craziness that took him and Mom to Indonesia in 1967 and kept them there until it was in our blood and wouldn't wash out of our skin.

My carrots and cucumbers are growing very slowly this year, but my green beans have taken off. The mystery of gardening - what the soil, water, air and my care will bring out of the ground, but none of it profitable without God's hand. So thankful he's in charge of my life. So glad I don't have to find answers on my own, comfort by my own means, or peace just by my own determination. I am thankful for his touch in my life, and his provision of a father who demonstrated God's love to me.

Miss you, Dad.

Just a note to say "hello"

It's Saturday morning, and today is going to be a busy day. Tim, my brother and I are cooking a surprise brunch for our nephew's birthday, our church music team is practicing, and I'm getting together with a friend this afternoon. Seems like most of my days have been quite busy lately - and by lately, I mean since mid-November. "What else is new?" some of you are asking. ;-)

Spring is coming and it's time to get my hands dirty and plant radishes (Tim and my very favorite thing to grow), lettuces, broccoli. Yum! Can't wait for another garden this summer. I really enjoyed it last year.

I don't have any amazing, big news to write about. Nothing amazing has happened (other than my wonderful friend visiting me last week!). Life is just chugging along pretty peacefully.

I guess I'm just writing to say "hi". I'm still here and all is well. :)

Daddy's little girl

Some holidays make me miss my dad more than others.

Ok, maybe that's not really true. Pretty much all holidays make me miss my dad.

On Valentine's Day he always made an effort to get me a card, to give me a call, to somehow show me his love.

Not much more to say about that. I miss my daddy. I miss being someone's little girl.

I miss his words of love, support, affirmation, praise, encouragement to keep running down the path, to keep exploring, to keep doing better, to keep trusting my heart, to keep my hand in God's, to keep looking for the good in life and finding adventure.

I miss you Dad.

Love, Cindy

Good night

Sometimes when Tim falls asleep before me and I wander through the house late at night, picking up a stray dish or two, checking tomorrow's weather, looking up some silly thing on the internet, a quiet peace falls over me. I walk into the bedroom and waiting on the bed is Egg, ready for a night of snuggling together. The quiet, warm light of my bedside table illuminates the pages of my book and I get sleepy reading lovely words, a story from someone's mind. In quiet moments like those, like tonight, after having spent a luscious quiet evening with Tim, I'm acutely aware and deeply thankful for all I have.

I cannot begin to express the wonder I feel at this life I live, have lived - the amazing things that God has shown me, the ways I've grown, the many gifts I have. I think of laughing with my sisters, the soft purr of Egg as we share a pillow, the flavors of sausage and red sauce over pasta. Co-workers who smile when they see me, the joy of anticipating dinner and games with wonderful neighbors. The flavor of a chocolate bar filled with nuts and fruit, the warmth inside my winter coat when a cold wind blows, the feel of soil in my hands when I plant my first spring vegetables. Sunsets I've seen over an expanse of ocean, a lightening storm I saw once from an airplane, waking up to the moon shining in my eyes as I slept in the absolute quiet of the desert. My family who loves me. My husband who is still in love with me after 26 1/2 years. My friends who enrich my life.

Music, music, music. And beauty.

I wasn't going to bore you with a long list.

Oh well. :)

Goodnight lovely world. I go to sleep with my mind at peace and my spirit filled with gratitude.