Settling down

Yay! No more surgery for now! :-) The endometrial biopsy showed that nothing is growing, nothing is going on. Best guess as to what's causing my issues? Early peri-menopause. Very boring ... and I love that. :)

A word about the biopsy, and I can't state this strongly enough: It was incredibly painful. Like gripping the sheet, heavy breathing, tears streaming down my cheeks, wishing I was knocked out painful. Like 30 minutes of are you serious? Like some animal inside me taking bites out of my poor uterus. Like feeling them shoot the lidocaine into my cervix. Poor Tim standing there, stroking my forehead, holding my hand, not sure what to do. Wowser! Next time my doc recommends one of those, first I'll say, "Uh, are you sure we need to do that?" and then I'll be asking for some Vicodin ahead of time. Here's where I insert some nervous laughter. :)

Whew! I'm ready for a few quiet, not much going on weeks. Several in a row would be quite nice, and May looks to be pretty manageable before my crazy June hits. I'll have to work pretty hard to maintain that quietness, though, so I'm gearing up to say that one word that's so hard for me: no. I pretty much suck at that. It takes so much effort! I'll practice in the mirror.

"No, thank you. I just can't make it."

"Wow, that sounds like fun, but I'd better not."

"I'd love to have lunch with you, but how about in a couple weeks?"

Those lines all sound pretty good. Now if I can just remember to use them. ;-D

On the zen side of my life - I planted my first round of vegies - radishes, lettuce, fennel bulb, carrots, broccoli, and snap peas. They've begun popping up out of the ground, and I'm excited. I love gardening! In a month or so I'll plant my summer squash, lemon cucumbers, tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, and 3 kinds of green beans. Yay! Hopefully we'll have a bountiful summer.

Now, on with my crazy weekend, before a crazy week, before a couple weeks of quiet.

Ode to you

I woke up early this morning and now the sun is turning the sky different colors and the birds are all singing their songs. The sounds of a spring morning are so different from winter - the tires hum on the road instead of crunching through snow, the birds sing, occasionally there is the tish-tish-tish of a sprinkler. And this morning there are gray and pink clouds that look like the ragged leftovers of a thunderstorm. Maybe it rained on the western side of the pass. 

I looked through your pics on facebook, and was transported to your side, to the weekend of your wedding, to the memories I'll carry with me always. Seavey's dining room in that beautiful yellow light. The Christmas pictures. The feather-filled globes. The beautiful mushroom you didn't know actually existed - neither did I! Little Nigel with the sun glowing through his ears. Christina, Dave and Tommie sitting in those chairs. Ben's rumpled-ness. 

My heart filled with memories, felt heavy - like a wool blanket on the coldest day - with that deep joy and satisfaction and connection and love and contentment I felt as I cooked, decorated, talked, loved, laughed throughout your wedding weekend.

I love your pictures. I love that I know you well enough that your pictures make me long to give you a hug, to walk and talk with you, to cook with you, to just be with you.

I love that your pictures conjure up such lovely thoughts for me, and that I continue to be in awe of the privileged weekend that was your wedding, your vow-exchange, your end and beginning all at once, your lavishing of love and being lavished upon, your day of beauty when you were the whitest daisy in the meadow, the bluest feather on the jay, the most golden leaf of fall, the greenest tree of spring.

Your smile is love. Your heart is grace. Your eye is beauty.

Another roller coaster

My toe is healing nicely. The dizziness is almost gone. I got my blood tests back and I'm not in menopause. All that is good.

The bad news is that tomorrow I go to my gyn for a "biopsy" to see if there is more endometriosis growing. If there is, then that opens a whole bag of unanswered questions that I'll get answered as I need to.

I'm trying to not worry. I'm actively working to expect life to just go on as usual and even if I need surgery again for it to be laparoscopic - not like it was in 2010. I'm planning my summer veg garden, planting my wildflower seeds, leaving unfinished laundry and not stocking up the fridge. I'm not lying in bed worrying. I'm not talking about it non-stop. Wait - that last one might not be true. ;-D

I'm trying to just carry on.

It is quite frustrating that my body won't just let me be - it keeps having issues. Wish I was one of those healthy, robust people, but there is such a long list of "worse things", so I'll just count my blessings, focus on the good, and take one step at a time!

Highs and lows

I'm not having a very good week. I guess that might be kind of a disappointing start to my first post in over a month, but I'll just be honest...

... but there are plenty of good things going on, too.

Life's been kind of a whirlwind! It's been a very busy month, with quite a bit of emotional turmoil, and I think that's why I haven't written much. I'll try to get back into it. :)

Meanwhile, here are a few of the highs and lows...

Our church did an art show called Perspectives on the Passion. Any artist in town was invited to submit a piece inspired by a station of the Cross. I decided to try my hand at "freestyle quilting". I was assigned the station of Jesus being condemned by the Sanhedrin - the Jewish high court. It took me a while to figure out how I wanted to portray that, but I ended up being quite pleased with my piece. :) Not the greatest picture, but you can get the idea. This is all layers of cloth that were layered, then quilted over the top.


I took a trip to see my old friend Julie and that was an amazing week. We did some work on her house (whew! wore me out!), had tons of laughs, and even got a girls' night out. A wonderful visit!

Spring has come early to Colorado, and my garden is already showing signs of life. Looks like most of what I planted over the past few years has survived another winter, so I should have lovely flowers this summer. The rhubarb I transplanted from my dad's garden is going like gangbusters, and that makes me very happy. Soon it will be time to plant the lovely seeds I purchased over the winter - heirloom lemon cucumbers, atomic mix carrots, sugar pumpkins, snap peas, yellow squash... Yum! Should be a fruitful summer. :)

Those are the highs, along with some other things. Here are the lows...

Tim and I found out that two of our very best and oldest friends are getting a divorce. This has been pretty tough for us to handle. We love them both so much! Amazing things are happening, though, and Tim and I hope to keep both friendships. Lots of grieving, talking, crying, journaling, praying going on...

...and I'm not having the best of weeks. I woke up Monday morning to a strange dizziness that is dissipating, but not as quickly as I'd like. I'll give it a few more days before I go to the doctor. Inner ear infection?

I am on my way to get a huge panel of blood work done because my gyn thinks I might be in early (very early!) menopause. I guess there's some stuff I won't miss, but it sure feels like adding insult to the injury of not being a mom - really closing the door on the dream of ever getting pregnant.

I did our taxes yesterday, and we owe way more than I anticipated. Argh.

And then, to top it all off, last night I stubbed my toe. Ow.


I mean - really stubbed it! Think it's broken? Tim assures me it's not. Good thing he's a doctor (Ph.D. in Industrial Engineering). Too bad he's not that kind of doctor. ;-D Rest, ice, tlc. That's all the doc would say anyway ...

May next week bring more of the good and less of the bad! And may I not run into anymore furniture! :)