About Me

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Aint' no reason

Mother's Day is coming, my least favorite day of the year.

My heart is struggling with some unsettled issues.

The sun is shining but I feel tied to tasks inside my house.

It is once again time for my husband to search for a job, and that means our business venture has failed.

But I am buoyed by the wonderful music filling my house as I work my list.

I miss my mom terribly this time of year, and I more acutely feel the loss of not being a mother, but I know God holds the plan of my life in His hands, and I can rest peacefully in that absolute knowledge.

My internal issues are salved by the love of friends and family. They give wise counsel and listen to my grumbling.

And the job will come. Time and trust will show us which path we need to take and how to walk it.

The music fills my house and my heart. Simple love songs, catchy dance tunes, ballads sung with passion.

The sun shines, and I am so thankful for the freedom I have to step away from my to-do list and go for a walk, for the freedom I have to talk and laugh with friends. I live a life of freedom, filled with love and joy. Struggles aren't absent, but I have the tools to handle them, and I am thankful.

Love has indeed set me free.

http://www.ilike.com/artist/Brett+Dennen/track/Ain't+No+Reason

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Two thoughts

A week old post...

One: Last weekend Tim and I attended a 50th wedding anniversary. What a wondrous event! The room was full of people, all there to celebrate this amazing milestone. In today's world, 50th anniversaries are becoming more and more rare. For both a marriage to last that long, and for both parties to live to enjoy it are amazing and should be celebrated with a big party, lots of friends, and a fancy cake!


Of course, this made me think about my own marriage - comfortable (like the very best slippers), my best friend in the world, adds much more joy than frustration to my life. I could come up with a whole list of superlatives that describe my marriage (Beth, are you snickering?), but I won't bother. I'll just say that I adore my husband and I cherish every year we've had together. For those of you who care to know, we'll have been a couple 24 years in May, and married 19 years in June. (Read those last couple lines with almost a snooty, bragging tone of voice! I'm proud of our accomplishment - in a good way, I hope.)


Two: It has been a rainy, gray kind of day. I've had to go out in the rain twice now, so even though I'm dying for a date (dinner and a movie?), all I really want to do is snuggle down in the blankets and hang out at home with Tim. I think it says something about our marriage that doing just that is probably my favorite thing in the whole world to do. I do love a good hike, a long road trip in the Midwest, a hilarious movie date with my brother, cooking for friends, and a whole long list of other things. But in the middle of what activity do I have to just stop for a minute and say, "I love doing this!"

Hanging out at home with Tim!


Two lovely thoughts for a Saturday. They make me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Midwest


Spiders of progress grace the land, spreading their wealth of water.
They stand in the fields,
sentinels watching over our crops while we sleep.
They are an extension of our feeble hands.

But do we see in them only man's hand and the benefits of science,
or do we see the hand of God,
giving us knowledge,
and blessing us with grain?

"Praise God from whom all blessings flow..."
the tune of the Doxology fills my head as the miles speed by.
My eye is filled with fields,
grain elevators,
feed lots,
row after row of turned soil,
the now-dry furrows a promise of the green crop to come.


And I'm entranced by the cycle of life,
the hum of my tires,
the neon of fast food signs,
and the simple joy of my journey across
the world's bread basket.


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Morning has broken

Morning has broken, like the first morning

Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird

Praise for the singing, praise for the morning,

Praise for the springing fresh from the Word



Do you know that old hymn? Sure wish I knew how to put music on this blog. I keep having songs I want to share with you! Maybe I'll set myself that task...

It is a beautiful morning! The sun is shining in all her glory, the temperature is just above freezing, there's not a cloud in the light blue sky, and I get to spend the day with a friend. What a privileged life I lead - to have so many friends. I cannot count my blessings, and I cannot count the times my friends have added joy to my life.

I have so much to be thankful for, and the richness of my relationships is one of those things.

And let me just add that the burden of my house and tasks that I felt Sunday upon returning home is diminished greatly. I am reminded of my choice earlier this spring to accept myself as I am (a not-so-great housekeeper) and just do the best I can, but to lift off myself the burden of guilt and expectations. A gift of grace I can give myself. I'm thankful for that, too, and my lovely friends who always help me see myself through their eyes - with grace and love!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Common beauty

I love driving across America. Alone. For days. I love it! Everything I see stimulates my eyes, every farm is new, every plowed field is beautiful.

I know several people who think I'm crazy.

This last trip was no exception. One day I drove from Missouri to Iowa. The day started out sunny and beautiful, but as I drove north I was in and out of rainstorms. I love this drive in particular - straight up highway 63. It is hilly, in and out of small towns, through a small patch of Amish homesteads, right through amazing farm country.

Beautiful!


Spring has arrived. In the midwest the earth is a tapestry of color - new shoots of corn and beans blaze across fields showing off just how green they can be.

wide open farms
watch storm clouds pass
drinking up each drop


Storm swept plain welcomes spring,
green shoots rising up with open palms.
The birds sense rain
and fly home
nestling in their beds
The world spins.
Seasons change.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Road trip

I'm home. Home sweet home. And almost immediately the zen of driving across America's heartland is interrupted by the muddy undertow of life - weeding that already needs to be done and seems overwhelming, laundry, taxes, and a rather long list of to-dos that I could have tattooed on my arm they so seldom change from month to month.

So how can I hold on to a part of the serenity of my trip? Granted, a long trip like the one I just took is partially designed for the experience of getting away from the requirements of everyday life. But surely I can hold on to a part of it. Surely I can preserve a touch of the peace.

I had a wonderful time! I can't even adequately express how gratifying and special my time with each of my friends was. It wasn't quite long enough - never is! But I'm also very glad to be home, glad to be back with Tim and Egg, and even though I'm fighting against that current of need-to-be-dones and to-dos, I'm glad to be here.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Conflict

One friend's child is only 3 - a feather in my arms - her skin the dark brown of her birth mother's homeland. Her easy smile enchanting. Her small voice full of acceptance and love.

Another is now a man. He towers over me and a hug from him is no longer that of a child. He speaks in deep tones, and his walk and manner remind me more and more of his father.

Time has passed, years have gone by, and still I am without a child of my own. And now that I'm 40, and have been married for almost 20 years, do I really want the disorder, frustration, and drastic change that having a child would bring, to my life personally, and the life of my marriage? Or will the hope and promise of love, the fulfillment of the dream of children outweight my fears and worries?

Ah, the conflict that continues to rage within me. I pray, I give my questions to God, I share my thoughts and concerns with friends, counselors, my family. No one has the answer. That I'll have to discern for myself. Husband and I will have to somehow come to an answer together.

But tonight I go to bed, my brain seemingly imprinted with the feeling of a child in my arms.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Old bones

When Charlie started to get old and all he wanted to do was sleep on a lap or in the sun, Tim and I would look at him and coo, "Old bones, does Baby have old bones?" Then we'd tuck him more snuggly into the blankets or spread out a pillow on which he could curl up.

My friend Naomi has an older dog - Toby. He is a precious guy. He's always been full of energy and love, one of those dogs who will give his love to anyone. He's pretty big - part German Shepherd and part Sharpei, and his long legs can make him seem pretty tall if he's sitting next to you. He has this funny habit of climbing up next to you on the couch and starring at you." "No looming, Toby," Naomi used to say.

Now poor Toby has lost his eyesight. He still makes his way pretty well, although every once in a while he does run into a door frame or dresser. He still loves life and makes his way around the yard with the other dogs, enjoying the sunshine and the outdoors.


I miss those eyes, though. They used to look into mine with such love. He's never been the smartest of dogs, and his eyes held such innocence and curiosity. He'd cock his head to the side, raise his ears, and look at you. "What are you trying to tell me?" "Will you give me a piece of cheese?" "Will you always love me?"

Yes, Toby, we'll always love you.

Ah, Toby. What a sweet dog. May his life be long and peaceful, filled with love and tenderness. He has the two best owners any dog could have, and that is exactly what he deserves. A warm house, a comfy chair all his own, and the tender hands of people who love him.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Twin bed

A twin bed can hold 3 dogs. Well, 3 dogs if there is a person who insists on being in the bed; otherwise 4. Ok, if that person wants to sleep, then either 1 very small dog or no dog at all. Dogs don't know this, though. They think that if they can get comfortable (i.e., make themselves as small as possible in order to squeeze into any remaining available space), then anyone can get comfortable. What makes a dog want to get off a bed is 1) if they can't stretch out, put their paws directly on your face, or constantly lick their rear ends (or paws, or ears, or stomachs) while everyone tries to settle down or 2) if the human insists on keeping their spine in any kind of alignment. Very irritating to a dog.

A dog will be sure to stay on any bed if there is a lot of dog-farting and subsequent complaining by the human, any kind of petting or loving going on, or a square foot of empty space.

I LOVE being in a house with 4 dogs. Don't read the former sentence with any sarcasm, irony or a joking tone of voice. Now, go back and read that first sentence in the warmest, most sincere voice you can. That's how much I mean that.

I live with, perhaps, the most wonderful man in America. His only real flaw (other than his tools often ending up on my beautiful maple coffee table) is that he considers dogs livestock as opposed to members of the family and, therefore, doesn't want one living in our house.

All I have to say? Prenup. Yep, should have gotten a prenup.

And being in this lovely, dog-filled, run frantically to the front door every time a car arrives, run to the back door in a giant pack just to go out and pee, fight for a spot on the couch, have a 72 lb. 1/2 Lab, 1/2 Pit Bull wonder of flying fur and baby face pretend to be a lap dog house only makes me more sure.

I love dogs.