When we were very young

I was watching Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras play an exhibition match. They're both 40 now, just about the same age as me, and seeing all those old clips, remembering the passion of their rivalry, and the passion with which Tim and I cheered them on, brings back a flood of memories from the early days of Tim and my marriage.

This summer we'll celebrate the 25th anniversary of our first date, and our 20th wedding anniversary. Those are pretty giant milestones. I'm so thankful, beyond words thankful, indescribably thankful, for my amazing husband, our marriage, our relationship. Don't get me wrong - we have bad days, fights, large and small disagreements, just like every other couple. We have no magic potion, no miracle cures, no secret to a good marriage, but after all this time we still love each other. We still have fun together. We still want to be married to each other.

It hasn't been a particularly easy road, but is anyone's road easy?

We started out with grad school days for Tim - late nights and long hours for 6 years, but I have great memories of the camaraderie among Tim and his classmates, listening to his stories, explanations of his projects, squeezing in the few hours we could get together - a few dinners a week, those precious weekend days when he didn't have a project or a test due. The joy of watching him in his element, at his very best, not just succeeding, but soaring!

I remember the giant swell of pride as Tim received his M.S. and Ph.D. Is that what a proud parent feels like? I could have burst!

There were years when we struggled over the decision of whether or not to buy a $100.00 futon for our living room to replace the horrible couch our landlord had given us permission to discard. Could we afford that new pair of shoes? Should we spend the money on an anniversary date? We saved our pennies to make it through each month - and make it we did.

Then we got hit with those years of my mom's illness, and those years when I was laid down with bronchitis time and time again. And then the migraines came, and we both tried to figure out what to do, how to handle this new thing. But again, we made it, helped each other through, did what we needed to so we could keep laughing, keep some semblance of perspective.

I could go on and on. And on and on, describing the ups and downs of 25 years. My mind is full of memories - like the proverbial slide show of our lives. Ordinary days, holidays, time with friends, time alone, trips, vacations, sweet moments, bitter arguments, tough decisions, disappointments, floundering our way through, and flying high. Life.

And this wave of almost melancholy sweeps over me. Is it middle age? Is it the passing of time? A poem I wrote in the spring of 2005 comes to my mind...

Seasons

Here comes spring

slowly, slowly,

creeping toward my garden.

I'll wait 'til she steps foot in my yard,

then draw upon her warmth for inspiration.

This new plant, that spreading vine

bring to mind

the passage of the years

and the things that change in time.

Middle-aged am I?

What is thirty-five?

Time passes quietly, without a whisper.

The paving stones of our lives.

Time does indeed pass quietly, leaving a wake of memories and moments, captured in our minds like a spider in ancient amber. We can pick it up and look at it, the memory made more beautiful over time, set it down and look at another. Then turn our gaze to the present, the future, and get back to that basket of laundry, those bills that need paid, that man who needs dinner. And smile.

I don't know that my life so far has been any easier or more difficult than anyone else's. All I know is my own personal experience. I am thankful to be able to say, once again, that I have a good life. I am so often reminded of this by love shown to me, amazing things that happen, a good laugh with a friend, a fun time with a nephew.

Life is hard. That's just about guaranteed.

So you'd better get the most out of it - laugh as much as you can, enjoy each sunny day just for the quality of the light itself, rejoice in the sound of those raindrops, and the sound of your kids, and the voice of your beloved. Because, at least it seems to me, the good sure does outweigh the bad.

Thursday

This morning I went over to a wonderful friend's house and we talked, laughed, cried a little, and prayed a lot. Lunch was chicken and waffles - just like at Rosco's! What a fun and silly morning, laughing and having a tea party with her four year old.

Early in the afternoon I had a chat with my wonderful sister, laughing about her boys, commiserating about our struggles, talking about wishes and plans.

Tonight I went out to dinner with two friends - one I've had for a while now, and one I just met. More talking, laughing, joking, stories.

As I left the restaurant, the sun having disappeared behind the mountains, the sky was the deepest blue, a few stars shining out. The mountains were in stark relief, black against the dark blue sky, and the tall office buildings sparkled with the lights left on.

The air was cooling down, as it has been all day, and the crisp breeze felt like a portent of our summer to come - warm days, cool nights brought in each evening by the breeze.

At home, I grilled a roast beef and cheese sandwich for Tim, made a grocery shopping list, and found out a wonderful, old friend is coming to visit me in May.

All in all, a pretty darn good day.

What if...

Last Saturday I was watching a marathon of "Sex and the City" (gasps heard all around the world that Cindy was watching such a scandalous show!). Come on - I couldn't resist! They were doing a marathon of all the Mr. Big episodes...which of course, are the best. And it's cleaned up for cable - much less sex in the non-HBO city. :-)

Ok, refocus...

One of the characters said to her best friends...

"What if I had never met you?"

I stopped to think about that.

My goodness, how many amazing people, friends, co-workers I would never have known. I could write about people whose descriptions would fill this blog for a year.

"What if I had never met you?"

I could sit here and make a tremendous list of names, but I'd get the order wrong, I'd leave someone important off the list, I'd hurt someone's feelings.

But amazing fun times, heart-wrenching hours, trips, jaunts, quiet afternoons together, hours spent on my deck, in my yard, in the car, on the phone, at one another's houses - they are all flooding my mind, filling me with thoughts of love, warmth, and an amazing sense of gratitude for the people who have walked my life's journey with me.

I, unfortunately, tend to fall into the out of sight, out of mind category of friends. I think this comes from having moved so many times in my life. I quickly figured out that in order for me to emotionally survive and thrive, I needed to dig in, make friends where I lived. Again, unfortunately, this tends to leave a trail of friendships that have dwindled and faded as I've become involved in my new city, my new life - I just can't keep up with everyone. I wish I could. I wish I was made up that way. I've tried to change, but have failed again and again. So this is who I am.

But the friends I've left behind aren't forgotten. They are in my heart. Their significance in my heart isn't diminished.

"What if I had never met you?"

There are so many times I'd have felt all alone.

I'd have had to walk those tough days without your support.

I'd have missed out on the love you lavished on me.

I wouldn't have learned nearly as much.

I wouldn't have laughed nearly as often.

"What if I had never met you?"

I wouldn't be who I am today.

St. Patty's Day

Well, St. Patrick's Day has once again passed me by with neither pomp nor circumstance. Instead I did housework, then worked my way through a pretty terrible migraine. Whew! I'm worn out!

But in honor of the day, and just for a few laughs, check this out...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCbuRA_D3KU

Big day

Today was my mom's birthday. She would have been 74. For me, today was a day of mixed blessings.

I spent hours with a good friend going to her various doctors' appointments. It was actually pretty fun, laughing, spending time with her, but I'm terribly sad that she's going through something pretty awful.

Today I began my duties as co-president of a women's organization of which I'm a part. It is humbling to have the trust of my chapter placed in my hands, and I am SO GRATEFUL to be sharing president duties with a great friend who I trust.

A day of ups and downs.

A small argument with Tim; a successful meeting that I chaired. Realizing I've gained some weight; recognizing the relative unimportance of that in the scheme of life. Being excited about hosting a youth event; then quickly realized I can't do that right now.

Ups and downs. Life.

And now to bed, snuggling with Egg, reading my book, waiting for morning, thoughts of Mom floating around. She was a remarkable woman - a simple statement that carries great weight in the minds of all who knew her. She would have been proud of the way I spent my day.

I'm content with that.

Normal

Clearly I'm not feeling too inspired to write these days. I think that's because life is back to a somewhat normal routine. I feel almost normal inside, too. I still miss Dad so much. In giant waves that wash over me with little predictability. Sometimes at odd and inconvenient times. I recognize this. It happened with Mom, and still does ocassionally, but not as much.

It's amazing to know that the heart does heal. When Mom died, I thought I would die. I know that won't happen this time. I know that in a few years I won't miss Dad quite as much, memories won't stab like they do, and I'll be able to think about him without this pain.

So life is really getting back to some kind of normal with a full calendar, lots to do, working on projects, spending time with people. Actually, my life is kind of a whirlwind right now, but that's all right.

So I'm off to do what I do - starting with toast and hot tea. Sure wish I had something profound or funny to share, but it's just another day over here. Laundry, family, house, friends. Just ordinary life. :-)

Dilemma

If you've already had to downsize your living space ...

and your house has wool moths that you just can't get rid of

and you already have more unfinished projects than you'd like

and you have several hobbies you really enjoy

... is now the time to get rid of that stack of felted wool that you were saving for beautiful projects?

Ahhh! I think I know the answer, but hate to get rid of things that have the potential to be beautiful. Today's very serious problem. :-)

A little sermon

Doesn't it sometimes seem like too much is piling up on your plate and you just can't make any progress? And that, in addition to just the everyday stuff that feels like too much, life's disappointments keep piling up, too, and weighing on you?

I know sometimes I feel like that. I feel like I just can't get out from under things. My to-do list grows rather than shrinks, my body doesn't cooperate with all I want to accomplish, and I'm reminded of the losses in my life.

This morning I'm reminded of a verse from the Bible that has sustained me and given me great comfort since I discovered it in junior high - Jeremiah 29:11. Listen to this promise...

"I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a future and a hope."

And then this morning, I read Psalms 12:6...

The promises of the Lord are promises that are pure, silver refined in a furnace...

What can I count on in this life? Hard times, struggles, sadness. But I can also count on joy, the sunshine that follows storms, seasons that change in waves of beauty.

And I can count on the promises of God. I know these things are true, because He has fulfilled these promises time and time again. Even this morning, when I'm feeling a little down, I can close my eyes and rest on those two promises, knowing that it will all work out in the end.

A cliche? Maybe. But still true.

A few random thoughts

I'm getting excited!

My step-sister is getting married in just two months and the anticipation is building. Sure wish I could be there to help with plans, run errands, go flower shopping. She just lives too far away in west Texas. But we'll all go down for the wedding...and my sister Lisa is even coming from the Middle East! Yee haw!

I've been dress shopping and should be getting my lovely options this week. I'll try on 3 different dresses, and choose one - 2 of which were on sale! I think I'll look pretty. :-)

Life is going on here. We're having a snow-less winter, which doesn't make me too happy, but the spate of warm weather is getting me itchy to start gardening. We have literally months before it is safe to plant outside, though, so I need to just be patient. Patient!

And hiking! Last summer was going to be my summer of being outdoors, but clearly that didn't happen. I'll try again this year. Keep your fingers crossed.

Days and weeks fly by. I cook, do laundry, hang with lovely people, live my life. The light in the house changes as the weeks go by, and the Earth's tilt shifts toward the sun. God does big and little things in my heart, I catch-up with old friends, prayers are answered.

And life feels pretty good, pretty peaceful right now. I'm learning some new things about myself, and about how to live in peace. And that is just lovely.