I'm a bundle of emotions today.
I'm so thankful that I'm healing well, but I am already becoming impatient with the process and want to be well.
I can't lift my nephews, can barely push them on the swings at the park, or hold my youngest nephew's hand as we cross the street. If he falls or pulls too hard against me, I can feel it deep in my belly. Not a comfortable sensation.
And football season has started, and for the first time in many years I won't debate, tease, push Dad's buttons as we talk football, Broncos, the prospects of the season. I miss his passion, his frustration, his quiet determination as we watched games together. Will I enjoy football in the same way? How long will football make me miss him?
And fall is approaching with slow determination. Each night is a tiny bit cooler, and the days are slowly cooling, too. Soon these will be hints of color in the trees, and the hills will start to show the changing of the seasons. I love fall! It is my favorite season, but this year the prospect of it's beauty is making miss Dad.
So, joy and sorrow, light and heavy, sickness and health. A snapshot of life. Sometimes I just want to be and not have to think or feel. I know that won't happen. It just would be nice. This week, the events of my summer, all that has happened, feels heavy. It feels like a lot to carry around. For today, I'll try to just leave it in that basket by my bed and go back to my book. I think I can disappear there for an hour or so.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Saturday
It's a quiet day. Tim is off helping some friends, and then he's going on a bike ride. What have I been doing today?
Well, healing, of course!
I'm being such a good patient. Really, I am. I'm resting, reading, watching TV ... and that's about it. Ok, so every once in a while, I'm loading the dishwasher, picking a few tomatoes, or cooking myself breakfast. But really, I'm mostly doing nothing. It's kind of like a vacation - just at home. Good thing the scenery here is beautiful; otherwise, I might feel ripped off. ;-)
I'm getting better and better. My surgeon said I'm healing "perfectly", and that was good news indeed. I have much less pain than I would have thought, and I am feeling much better than I thought I would (granted, I'm doing practically nothing).
Finally.
All good news.
Well, healing, of course!
I'm being such a good patient. Really, I am. I'm resting, reading, watching TV ... and that's about it. Ok, so every once in a while, I'm loading the dishwasher, picking a few tomatoes, or cooking myself breakfast. But really, I'm mostly doing nothing. It's kind of like a vacation - just at home. Good thing the scenery here is beautiful; otherwise, I might feel ripped off. ;-)
I'm getting better and better. My surgeon said I'm healing "perfectly", and that was good news indeed. I have much less pain than I would have thought, and I am feeling much better than I thought I would (granted, I'm doing practically nothing).
Finally.
All good news.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Fall comes
I miss my dad.
As surgery approached, and fear rose within me, I missed him.
As I laid in my hospital bed, and visitors came and went, I missed him.
And now, as I gain my strength, and heal from my surgery, I miss my dad.
As my tomatoes ripen and I harvest herbs, as my late summer flowers bloom and bloom, I miss my dad.
As the nights slowly cool, and I know fall is coming with the changing of the leaves, my favorite season, the most beautiful to my eye, which he also loved, and loved to share with people, I miss him.
I miss asking him for prayer.
I miss telling him little details about my life.
I miss sitting together, watching Zachary and Ethan play.
I miss the sound of his voice affirming me.
I miss the touch of his rough hands.
I miss his laughter as he would tell of his trips.
I miss my dad.
As surgery approached, and fear rose within me, I missed him.
As I laid in my hospital bed, and visitors came and went, I missed him.
And now, as I gain my strength, and heal from my surgery, I miss my dad.
As my tomatoes ripen and I harvest herbs, as my late summer flowers bloom and bloom, I miss my dad.
As the nights slowly cool, and I know fall is coming with the changing of the leaves, my favorite season, the most beautiful to my eye, which he also loved, and loved to share with people, I miss him.
I miss asking him for prayer.
I miss telling him little details about my life.
I miss sitting together, watching Zachary and Ethan play.
I miss the sound of his voice affirming me.
I miss the touch of his rough hands.
I miss his laughter as he would tell of his trips.
I miss my dad.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
The day
Waking up from the blackness of general anesthesia is like that deep breath of surprise when you first find out startling news.
Inhale.
A long beat.
Then you know where you are.
In recovery, with nurses and a doctor standing all around me, so much noise, lots going on.
My name, they always remember to ask what you want to be called.
And this unbelievable pain. An axe in my belly! I just want to cry, but I'm not quite conscious enough for that. Minutes pass of procedure, movement, efforts to help me. A male nurse named Dennis who just emanates this body heat, has the gentlest touch, is a visceral comfort. An angel?
What's your pain level now? Now? And now?
Then finally, the epidural begins to work and I can think about something other than my pain. With the driest of voice, I whisper, "What did they do?" fully remembering that I went into the operation with everything from a simple appendectomy to a full hysterectomy as possibilities, knowing that they would do a freeze slide to see if I had cancer.
"What did they do?"
Someone kind tells me, "They took out one ovary and your appendix, honey."
I start to cry, and another nurse rushes over. "Is she still in pain?"
"No," her comrade says, "look at the smile on her face."
That smile must be pretty big. Everyone who walks by comments. The doctor returns to check on me, and doesn't even ask if the epidural is working. "Oh, she's smiling," and walks away.
And I ask for Tim, and they say he can't come back. So I lie there thankful, so thankful, and quiet tears run down my face. Thankful not just for me, but for him, for my sisters, my family.
I find out later I had a "hemorrhagic ovary" that had adhesed to my uterus, appendix, and colon. Yuck. They removed the ovary and appendix, and I stayed in the hospital 4 nights.
Much to say about that, but later...
I'm home, I'm resting, I'm healing - just perfectly according to my surgeon. When looking at my incision site, one nurse exclaimed, "Now that's what that is supposed to look like!" and smiled.
Inhale.
A long beat.
Then you know where you are.
In recovery, with nurses and a doctor standing all around me, so much noise, lots going on.
My name, they always remember to ask what you want to be called.
And this unbelievable pain. An axe in my belly! I just want to cry, but I'm not quite conscious enough for that. Minutes pass of procedure, movement, efforts to help me. A male nurse named Dennis who just emanates this body heat, has the gentlest touch, is a visceral comfort. An angel?
What's your pain level now? Now? And now?
Then finally, the epidural begins to work and I can think about something other than my pain. With the driest of voice, I whisper, "What did they do?" fully remembering that I went into the operation with everything from a simple appendectomy to a full hysterectomy as possibilities, knowing that they would do a freeze slide to see if I had cancer.
"What did they do?"
Someone kind tells me, "They took out one ovary and your appendix, honey."
I start to cry, and another nurse rushes over. "Is she still in pain?"
"No," her comrade says, "look at the smile on her face."
That smile must be pretty big. Everyone who walks by comments. The doctor returns to check on me, and doesn't even ask if the epidural is working. "Oh, she's smiling," and walks away.
And I ask for Tim, and they say he can't come back. So I lie there thankful, so thankful, and quiet tears run down my face. Thankful not just for me, but for him, for my sisters, my family.
I find out later I had a "hemorrhagic ovary" that had adhesed to my uterus, appendix, and colon. Yuck. They removed the ovary and appendix, and I stayed in the hospital 4 nights.
Much to say about that, but later...
I'm home, I'm resting, I'm healing - just perfectly according to my surgeon. When looking at my incision site, one nurse exclaimed, "Now that's what that is supposed to look like!" and smiled.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Bilbo Baggins
I, uh, I h-have things to do. I've put this off for far too long. I regret to announce — this is The End. I am going now. I bid you all a very fond farewell.
Don't read anything morbid into that. I just think it's funny.
Love you all! I'll be back soon.
Don't read anything morbid into that. I just think it's funny.
Love you all! I'll be back soon.
Yoyo
Fear, worry, crying, a million phone calls, waiting, talking, confusion. A yoyo of a day. Roller-coaster. Whirlwind.
That pretty much sums up yesterday. There's a million details I could share in telling the story, but very long story short, there may or may not be more wrong than anyone initially thought. Conflicting test results. It will all have to wait until after surgery. Then we'll know - hopefully no more "we're just not sure".
We're more afraid than we were, but not much more. We did an awful lot of processing yesterday. I'm certainly more anxious than I was yesterday. Just another day of waiting? Who knows.
But I'll take deep breaths, each one giving back to God this whole situation. A deep breath, and I'll pray for his protection, submitting myself to his will. Another deep breath, and I'll think of the verses with which he's filled my mind.
And each time that cold fear creeps into my stomach, I'll breath, pray, think, and wait.
That pretty much sums up yesterday. There's a million details I could share in telling the story, but very long story short, there may or may not be more wrong than anyone initially thought. Conflicting test results. It will all have to wait until after surgery. Then we'll know - hopefully no more "we're just not sure".
We're more afraid than we were, but not much more. We did an awful lot of processing yesterday. I'm certainly more anxious than I was yesterday. Just another day of waiting? Who knows.
But I'll take deep breaths, each one giving back to God this whole situation. A deep breath, and I'll pray for his protection, submitting myself to his will. Another deep breath, and I'll think of the verses with which he's filled my mind.
And each time that cold fear creeps into my stomach, I'll breath, pray, think, and wait.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Under the knife
The big day is tomorrow - my surgery. I am so ready for it. I just want to get on with the business of getting better, rather than this limbo state in which I have to be so careful about what I do, what I lift. Yes! To feel better, and I am sure I will with time and healing!
So I'm on clear liquids today, and "evacuating my colon".
Too much information? Too bad! ;-)
It isn't quite as bad as I thought it would be, so all of you who have yet to have the joy of your first colonoscopy, don't worry too much about it. It probably won't be as bad as you think, either.
I've chosen the yarn for my "sicky project" - a gray vest. I love wearing vests in the winter, and I have this absolutely lovely alpaca yarn that I can't make a sweater out of because - come to find out - I'm allergic to alpaca. I can wear it if it isn't touching my skin, though, so a vest will be perfect. It is quite a fine gauge yarn, so it will take me a while, but I'll get cracking. Something to look forward to. :-)
In other good news, I found the cutest bed rest pillow at Target so I can sit-up in bed without too much effort. And to top off my summer, I've lost 12 lbs.! Unfortunately, it hasn't been because of exercise and fun activities, but once I'm well, I'll get back to those things and lose even more!
So I'm looking a little trimmer, I've got my ducks n a row for tomorrow, and I'm ready to heal-up and get moving again.
So I'm on clear liquids today, and "evacuating my colon".
Too much information? Too bad! ;-)
It isn't quite as bad as I thought it would be, so all of you who have yet to have the joy of your first colonoscopy, don't worry too much about it. It probably won't be as bad as you think, either.
I've chosen the yarn for my "sicky project" - a gray vest. I love wearing vests in the winter, and I have this absolutely lovely alpaca yarn that I can't make a sweater out of because - come to find out - I'm allergic to alpaca. I can wear it if it isn't touching my skin, though, so a vest will be perfect. It is quite a fine gauge yarn, so it will take me a while, but I'll get cracking. Something to look forward to. :-)
In other good news, I found the cutest bed rest pillow at Target so I can sit-up in bed without too much effort. And to top off my summer, I've lost 12 lbs.! Unfortunately, it hasn't been because of exercise and fun activities, but once I'm well, I'll get back to those things and lose even more!
So I'm looking a little trimmer, I've got my ducks n a row for tomorrow, and I'm ready to heal-up and get moving again.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Lazy days
I am doing some serious chillin' this week while I wait for my surgery - doctor's orders! He told me to rest, and I'm trying to do just that. I made a list of the things I felt like I needed to get done before my surgery - paperwork, pay bills, do some laundry. Other than that very short list, I'm pretty much reading and watching TV. I must confess that it is pretty relaxing. A little boring, too, though - I have all these projects I'm ready to dig into, but I'll just wait.
Saturday I'm going to pull out my yarn and choose a project to work on while I'm bed-bound. Give my hands something to do. :-) I think I'll try a very simple vest. Should be easy to do while on drugs!
This morning promises to be a beautiful day! There's not a cloud in the sky, I'm on my way to the farmers' market, and tonight I'm cooking with a friend.
Lovely!
Saturday I'm going to pull out my yarn and choose a project to work on while I'm bed-bound. Give my hands something to do. :-) I think I'll try a very simple vest. Should be easy to do while on drugs!
This morning promises to be a beautiful day! There's not a cloud in the sky, I'm on my way to the farmers' market, and tonight I'm cooking with a friend.
Lovely!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Knowledge
Well, now I know. I'll have surgery next Monday. They hope to do it laparoscopically, but it might have to be open abdomen if they get in there and can't quite manage with those tiny instruments.
I'm not really nervous. In fact, I'm relieved to know when we'll be doing this damn thing.
I woke up this morning with a song from church in my head, a song about Jesus...
And I, I'm desperate for you...
And I, I'm lost without you...
I opened my Bible, hoping God would give me a nudge to know where to read. Hebrews.
But what passage?
Hebrews 11. The faith chapter.
Kind of a cliche, I thought, to read about faith right before seeing the surgeon, but that's where I started.
And it was exactly what I needed. Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham - all men of faith who kept their eyes on God.
Hebrews 11:13 says, "These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar..."
One more reminder to keep my eyes on Jesus and his plan for my life. I'm sure trying. This has been a challenging summer, a challenging three months. But God keeps calling out to my heart, drawing me back to him. When I get too anxious, when sadness or fear seems to overtake me, when I am frustrated beyond what is reasonable - he calls out to me, reminding me of his love, and that he's keeping me in his hands.
I'm not really nervous. In fact, I'm relieved to know when we'll be doing this damn thing.
I woke up this morning with a song from church in my head, a song about Jesus...
And I, I'm desperate for you...
And I, I'm lost without you...
I opened my Bible, hoping God would give me a nudge to know where to read. Hebrews.
But what passage?
Hebrews 11. The faith chapter.
Kind of a cliche, I thought, to read about faith right before seeing the surgeon, but that's where I started.
And it was exactly what I needed. Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham - all men of faith who kept their eyes on God.
Hebrews 11:13 says, "These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar..."
One more reminder to keep my eyes on Jesus and his plan for my life. I'm sure trying. This has been a challenging summer, a challenging three months. But God keeps calling out to my heart, drawing me back to him. When I get too anxious, when sadness or fear seems to overtake me, when I am frustrated beyond what is reasonable - he calls out to me, reminding me of his love, and that he's keeping me in his hands.
Monday, August 9, 2010
More rambling...
Take a deep breath. Put in a relaxing movie. Listen to some music. Spend some time praying and reading my Bible.
I saw my doc on Friday and I do, indeed, need surgery. His conclusion is that this abdominal issue is either a micro-perforated appendix or an ovarian cyst. Hmm...they still aren't sure, but hopefully the surgeon I see tomorrow will be certain it is either one or the other. Will I have surgery this week? My doc has a real sense of urgency about this, but who knows what the surgeon will think.
I am relieved! Relieved? Why? Because everyone is asserting it isn't cancer. Of course, it isn't cancer, but I just couldn't get it out of my head with my dad's recent illness and death. It just was hitting too close to home.
So surgery. That's not that big a deal, really. I've had laporoscopic abdominal surgery before, and it was a pretty quick recovery. Didn't take much more than a month to feel like myself - really!
I can do that.
Meanwhile, I'm supposed to rest, take it easy, not lift anything. Bo-ring! I'd rather be hiking, planting more flowers in my garden, throwing my nephews around. Ok! I'll be good. I'll rest. Today all I'll do is watch my nephews at gymnastics play time, do a little laundry, sort through some papers on the dining room table, and wash a few dishes. Ok, I might make a little dinner, too, but it will be simple.
Does that count as resting, Sue? ;-D Ha, ha!
Meanwhile, I feel so loved, so supported, so taken care of. All my friends have offered help with whatever I might need. They are standing right by my side waiting to be called on. I remain in the bosom of God's love and in the cup of his hand.
Worried? A little. No one like to have to have surgery.
Anxious? Sure, somewhat. I'd rather not hear that they just can't pinpoint what a 7 cm mass of what appears to be an infection actually is.
But at peace, too. How? It must be God carrying me through. And so I remain in a place of gratitude even in the midst of this crazy summer.
P.S. These pics are from google images - a very small representation of the beauty I just saw driving across Wyoming. I didn't have a camera with me, but I can't get the beauty of that vast land out of my head. I might just have to try to draw it. A challenge!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Scattered
I should be writing about what a wonderful weekend I had, how amazing and refreshing the hours spent with my friend Julie were, how incredibly beautiful Wyoming was, and how fun the wedding celebrations were...but I just can't seem to get those words out. Tomorrow, maybe?
All I can write about is my belly - and what in the world is going on in there? I'm quite anxious, to say the least, to find out what the 2nd ct revealed. Will it be clear and conclusive? Will I have to have more tests? Am I going to have to have surgery? And the lingering worry always in the back of my mind...do I have cancer?
I know, I know. I need to just relax and wait to find out.
Easier said than done.
But I see my doctor on Friday afternoon, so I will at least have some answers by then. And that's only a day and a half away.
Meanwhile, Lisa leaves tomorrow for the midwest before heading home to the middle east. Boo! I hate to see her go. I'm very sad. And her leaving somehow makes Dad's death seem more real. Yuck to both things.
Today is starting out stressful and sad, so I'd better put on my walking shoes and go for a stroll. Clear my head. Listen to some music. Refocus.
So then the question arises - when do I do all that, and when do I just let myself FEEL? Confusing... Today I think I'll try the walking/refocusing thing. Am I rambling yet? :-)
All I can write about is my belly - and what in the world is going on in there? I'm quite anxious, to say the least, to find out what the 2nd ct revealed. Will it be clear and conclusive? Will I have to have more tests? Am I going to have to have surgery? And the lingering worry always in the back of my mind...do I have cancer?
I know, I know. I need to just relax and wait to find out.
Easier said than done.
But I see my doctor on Friday afternoon, so I will at least have some answers by then. And that's only a day and a half away.
Meanwhile, Lisa leaves tomorrow for the midwest before heading home to the middle east. Boo! I hate to see her go. I'm very sad. And her leaving somehow makes Dad's death seem more real. Yuck to both things.
Today is starting out stressful and sad, so I'd better put on my walking shoes and go for a stroll. Clear my head. Listen to some music. Refocus.
So then the question arises - when do I do all that, and when do I just let myself FEEL? Confusing... Today I think I'll try the walking/refocusing thing. Am I rambling yet? :-)
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
New growth
And by the way, my friend Tara's blog speaks so eloquently of who we are and a way we can choose to live that will prune us, help us grow to be stronger and more beautiful. Amen, sister.
http://whitesparrow.wordpress.com/
Check it out.
http://whitesparrow.wordpress.com/
Check it out.
What now?
I don't know if you'll believe this, but we were in the ER again last night.
Everything is all right, but my mind can't stop asking, "What's next?"
Long story short, Tim has a kidney stone that last night moved from the kidney to the bladder - causing him more pain than I've ever seen him experience, and we've been in the ER plenty of times since we got married for various injuries. One time he had a bike wreck, then had to ride 10 miles back to the car before driving an hour to get stitches in his knee. Another time he was lying under a car, working on it, and the transmission fell on his face, cutting through his upper lip and breaking a tooth.
He never looked the way he did last night. Whew! Wifey didn't like that one bit!
I was a little freaked out to see him in so much pain. I rubbed his back and sang hymns. That seemed to miraculously help. Coincidence? Chance? God's faithfulness.
This morning is my 2nd ct scan, and I'm up early drinking that weird, thick stuff you have to drink beforehand. All that's happened this summer (Tim's bike wreck and shoulder separation in May, Dad's illness and death in June, my illness in July, and last night's episode) has put me on pins and needles. I know they're not related to one another, but they have gathered in one corner of my mind and have become one ball of yuck. Last night Tim asked what had me looking so worried. I told him I didn't think I could separate it all out anymore.
I hope to have my preliminary ct results tomorrow, and I will see my doc on Friday for the full report. My hope is that the ct shows no infection at all - complete healing! If not, then we'll go from there, and I'll just keep holding onto Jesus' hand as he walks beside me through all this weirdness.
Everything is all right, but my mind can't stop asking, "What's next?"
Long story short, Tim has a kidney stone that last night moved from the kidney to the bladder - causing him more pain than I've ever seen him experience, and we've been in the ER plenty of times since we got married for various injuries. One time he had a bike wreck, then had to ride 10 miles back to the car before driving an hour to get stitches in his knee. Another time he was lying under a car, working on it, and the transmission fell on his face, cutting through his upper lip and breaking a tooth.
He never looked the way he did last night. Whew! Wifey didn't like that one bit!
I was a little freaked out to see him in so much pain. I rubbed his back and sang hymns. That seemed to miraculously help. Coincidence? Chance? God's faithfulness.
This morning is my 2nd ct scan, and I'm up early drinking that weird, thick stuff you have to drink beforehand. All that's happened this summer (Tim's bike wreck and shoulder separation in May, Dad's illness and death in June, my illness in July, and last night's episode) has put me on pins and needles. I know they're not related to one another, but they have gathered in one corner of my mind and have become one ball of yuck. Last night Tim asked what had me looking so worried. I told him I didn't think I could separate it all out anymore.
I hope to have my preliminary ct results tomorrow, and I will see my doc on Friday for the full report. My hope is that the ct shows no infection at all - complete healing! If not, then we'll go from there, and I'll just keep holding onto Jesus' hand as he walks beside me through all this weirdness.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Tired
My brain is on half-speed. I'm worn out from my crazy summer, including the last 2 days spent with 3 kids in a van doing 10 hour drives. I did, during that time, get wonderful time with my great friend Julie - and that was worth it all! :-) We were all at an amazing wedding celebration in Montana. Fun!
I am anxious to get my 2nd ct scan and find out what's going on in my belly. I hope to know by the end of this week. I'm actually getting a little worried about it as I've had these very slight pains last night and today. I just want to know! Argh!
Meanwhile, I'm trying to cram in as much time as I can with my sister Lisa before she returns to Jordan, but I'd also like to get back into some sort of routine. And I'd like to start exercising again, even if it is little bits at a time.
Today, though? Just relax, rest, and spend some time with my kittie.
I am anxious to get my 2nd ct scan and find out what's going on in my belly. I hope to know by the end of this week. I'm actually getting a little worried about it as I've had these very slight pains last night and today. I just want to know! Argh!
Meanwhile, I'm trying to cram in as much time as I can with my sister Lisa before she returns to Jordan, but I'd also like to get back into some sort of routine. And I'd like to start exercising again, even if it is little bits at a time.
Today, though? Just relax, rest, and spend some time with my kittie.
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