Whoa!

Boy, do you not want what I've got. 

I came home Friday night thinking I was getting a migraine. Woke up Saturday with the flu.

The good news is the 102.5' fever only lasted 4  or 5 hours; the bad news is my cough is so deep and hard I feel like I've been beaten with sticks. 

Thank goodness the headache part went away Sunday afternoon, so today I just have the deep cough, stuffy nose, low grade fever and tiredness. Can't seem to sit up for more than an hour at a time. And after that exhausting exercise, I nap for 3 or 4 hours. 

The worst thing? My poor neighbor's dog - I'm taking care of him while she is out of town, and needless to say, he's not getting the love I usually try to lavish on him.

So for those of you who live in my town, avoid me! 

Friday Again

A whole week passed and I didn't write anything?! I guess I've been busy with everyday stuff. Great news for you all, though - I finally got my WHOLE front yard weeded...and today is mulch day. I plan to get it all spread. I think I can do that in one morning. ;-) Lucky for me it isn't too hot, there's been a nice breeze all week, and I own a great straw hat!

The weeded flower beds look wonderful! I can see what happened this summer, plantwise. Frankly, some of those flowers would have grown quite a bit more if they hadn't been living under the shadow of great, tall grass, but c'est la vie. Next summer they'll thrive because I'll keep up with the weeding. Ah, always hopeful. 

That's it for now. No news is good news?

Night Falls

Some days end with stress and lists of unfinished tasks. Some days end with children's books and goodnight kisses. Some days end with laughter, candlelight, and the company of friends. Some days end in quiet, dessert cooked just for two, and a good book to end by. 

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote this of the end of day:

The day is done, and the darkness

falls from the wings of night

as a feather is wafted downward

from an eagle in his flight. 

He wrote on of poetry, written not by the great ones, but a simple poem written from the heart, to calm the mind at the end of a day. What a lovely thought.

I didn't actually see the sunset tonight, but I did observe the light change to its most golden as the sun fell toward the horizon. I did see the shadows of the trees lengthen and the darkness creep closer. I did think, "The day is done." 

So tonight, I go to bed happy, content in a quiet day spent reading, talking with friends, and relaxing in my sunny house. Four more things for which I am very grateful - quiet days, good books, good friends, and a house I like. 

Goodnight, all!

Home Free

At last! My summer of crazy is over! I can look at my calendar and see more than 2 or 3 days in a row with nothing scheduled - no trips, meetings, appointments. All I have for the next couple of months is me stuff. Lovely! (None of this is to say I haven't enjoyed my summer; it has just been very busy. Had to say that. )

I do have some plans, though. Things I need to do, but they're things that will feed the deep inside of me. 

• My prayer partner and I are going to resume our schedule. (Missed her over the summer!)
  
• I'm going to finish weeding and mulching my front yard, and give some thought to what will look nice added in the spring. 
  
• I hope to develop a new schedule for myself. I think that will help me get lots of stuff done. (I hope to include regular time in the Bible and prayer, exercise, cooking, regular housework, and time scheduled to journal and read.)

Other than that, the next few weeks are about enjoying the last of summer's days - some hiking, some chilling, some grilling, and lots of down time to work on quiet things.

Speaking of quiet things, remember this picture from early in the spring?

The barren wasteland that was my front yard. Guess what grew without any help?

You got it - WEEDS!! I fought them all summer.

But look what I managed...

Yes, that is grass that you see.

Oh, can't see it?

Look closer...

This was in July. I planted a native grass from seed. 

In order for it to germinate, nights had to have a low of 60. 

In Colorado, that's July.

I was a good mama and watered it just like the instructions said and... 

Voila! Now I have a suedo-lawn! 

I still need to fill in some blank spots.

And the other side has an invasion of some other grass.

Too much to weed, really.

I'll just let it die off next summer when I only water...

...yes, once every other week!

Triumph! I'm proud and happy. Job well done to me! ;-)

Stained Glass

Aren't leaves amazing? All the different kinds, shapes, colors?

And when the morning sun catches them, it just turns them into 

absolute beauty!

the grass in my front yard

my little pines and a squash plant

tomatoes

corn

sage leaves

thyme

and my favorite tree

Super Quick

Ok, go to the address below and make this salad! Weird, surprising...totally delicious. My friend and I (she's the one who made it) think, however, that it would be even better with more vegies (i.e., additional tomatoes and cucumbers), the onion cut into smaller pieces, and feta cheese added. We thought it also might make a wonderful one-dish, summer meal by adding grilled chicken, or pieces of torn up rotisserie chicken. Neither would heat up your kitchen. 

Try the original, though. You might think it's just perfect!

http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2009/07/pita-chip-panzanella/

Caught by Surprise

When Charlie died he was on 4 medications: pain reliever and glucosamine for his arthritis, something to help heal the inflamed lining of his bladder, and something to soothe his inflamed GI tract that we started giving him just a few days before he died. I had asked the vet what we should do with these meds, and he told me that his office has a "charity box" they keep for people who can't afford prescriptions for their pets. I decided to donate Charlie's meds to that. Seemed like a good idea. 

It was harder to do than I would have thought! Taking those meds in there, giving them to someone else, not having them sitting in my kitchen any longer brought me, once again, to tears. Just saying, "These were Charlie's meds." Something in me wants to keep ahold of him - his meds, his favorite blanket, each hair I see on my clothes...it was even hard to clean the bathroom floor from the terrible mess he'd made. It was almost as if leaving it there was like having a small piece of him with me. (Don't worry - the floor is cleaned - didn't leave that mess around!) 

This is a strange journey. The two sides of my heart are in conflict - get yourself together; mourn as long as you want. And poor Tim. He is sad, too, but not like I am. And all he wants is for me to not cry anymore, not be sad much longer. He's being patient, but I can tell my sadness is making him sad. These lovely men who love us - they hate it when we're hurting and there's not much they can do about it! But I am feeling a little better each day, and that is a real relief. 

Comfort

How could this face not help heal my heart and give me joy?

Charlie was, for a cat, rather elegant, refined, grown-up, decidedly not foolish or crazy. Even his play was purposeful and adult in a way. Egg is the opposite - very silly, a little spastic, and quite kittenish even at 8. So glad I have this little guy to snuggle with and love!

Morning Has Broken

What I see in the morning...

The stained glass of leaves outside my bedroom window 

Egg awake and watching neighborhood activity 

(squirrels, leaves twisting in the wind, dogs on walks)

The wonderful pines right outside my other window. 

On hot days I can smell the pine needles that cover the ground.

More stained glass. 

Then I go out in the garden and look what I've got! 

Corn - beautiful ears of corn growing on each stalk. 

What a lovely treat this will be in another month!

And my tomatoes are going wild...although with very little fruit.

I'll try again next year.

More lovely corn!

Ah, simple gifts...

Hands to the Plow

There is something to be said for getting hot and sweaty to help you forget your troubles. I know my sadness over losing Charlie is nothing like the grief of losing, say, one's mother. I've experienced that pain, too, but it doesn't diminish the truth that I am hurting. That's not my point, though (woops..rambling again). 

This morning I got up early and helped Tim spread mulch on the path along the side of our house, then spent an hour and a half weeding my VERY WEEDY front flower beds and ground cover areas. 

It felt good. 

It felt good to get something accomplished. To make something look nicer. To work hard. To listen to music and not think. 

Hip hip hooray for hard work!

Day One

I woke up this morning to a lovely sky - sunny, blue, mild. Egg was asleep on my pillow, where he'd spent most of the night. I was lying in bed reading when I heard a friend's voice outside my bedroom window. "Cindy," she whispered, "are you up yet?" 

We spent a very nice hour on the bench by Charlie's grave, drinking tea, talking about our lives and the things that are going on. I flitted back and forth between talking about Charlie's last couple of days and the other things on my mind. I think I'll be a little scattered today. Good thing all I have to do is weed.

All is well, though. I'll sure miss my cantankerous guy, but he's not sick, he's not hurting, and that's a very good thing. Thanks for all the love that's being sent my way.

And So It Goes

Well, my beloved Charlie is gone. We took him to the vet's today and had him put to sleep. An incredibly tough decision for both me and Tim. Now Charlie's in a lovely spot in our backyard with a big boulder and a bench Tim made for me years ago. I think I'll like having him there, but I'll sure miss having him on my lap every night. I won't write much tonight because I feel wrung out, but I just wanted to document his passing. 

I loved Charlie for 17 years. We always said he was a bad cat, but a good pet! He was opinionated, pushy, demanding...incredibly loving, responsive, soft and snuggly. Such a silly kittie who fetched, at one time learned how to shake (like a dog), loved riding in the car, snored, and was generally wonderful!

Bye, bye, love...

Ready for a long one?

Well, it has been quite a weekend. Here's the long version - there isn't a short one! 

Friday started out lovely. I had a great morning hiking in the mountains with my sister and her 2 kids. Zachary, now 2 1/2, loved the little hike we took him on - an interactive, 1/2 mile hike that is designed to take you through 3 different landscapes. He so enjoyed the flowers, the moss, different trees, mushrooms, little stream, and all the other wonders of nature. It's so fun to look at the world through his eyes. After the hike we enjoyed a nice barbecue lunch in Woodland Park. Fun, relaxing, great start to a weekend.

I arrived home, however, to a disaster! My house had a trail of cat feces and blood from back door to front door, and sitting on a rug near the front door, in very clear pain and distress, was my beloved cat, Charlie! His behind was covered in blood. I flew into a near panic, trying to clean him up, clean up the floor, and call the vet all at the same time. Listen, the past month has been filled with small trips and phone calls to our ever-patient vet. Charlie has been on a series of medications from pain reducers for his arthritis to a mood-regulator to eliminate the inappropriate urination that's been happening. I was pretty calm on the phone, trying to remember that the poor receptionist shouldn't have to deal with a panicky pet-mom. Needless to say, the vet was quite concerned. Poor guy, though - their office had been slammed with emergencies all day and literally had no way to squeeze him in. Best they could do was guess that this was a very upset colon caused by the meds we've been giving Charlie, prescribe a medication that would help soothe his obviously distressed GI tract, and get me an appointment for 9:00 this morning. 

With half an hour to wait until the prescription would be ready, I as quickly as seemed humanly possible assembled a pet crate we have, put in it an old blanket and a small litter box, and moved Charlie in there. Poor thing! With all the problems he's had the past month, he's down to skin and bones. (His plummeted weight was confirmed this morning at the appointment - 6 lbs.!). Picking him up was dreadful. He was stiff, his bowels cramping, little moans coming from him. Mommy was losing it!

I flew to Tim's work site (barely controlling my tears and ragged breathing) and told him what was going on, while trying to control my breathing and not totally freak out. I'm not usually the panic type, but the past 6 weeks or so of poor health for Charlie, all that blood, and my darling cat's incredible pain and distress just about sent me over the edge! Next stop was the vet where I picked up that med, then I had to go to the grocery store to get supplies for a cooking demo I was doing this morning. Cancel the demo? I thought about it, but with 15 people RSVPd I just didn't feel that would be fair.

Home I went. I gave Charlie his little pill, and waited for Tim to come home. My wonderful sister, who loves her pets as much as I love mine, offered to come hang out with me if it turned out Tim had to work late. Well, I prepped my chicken for today's cooking demo (Indonesian food!), got my ingredients ready to pack in the morning, and tried to relax. 

Tim, the lovely that he is, arranged for us to go out to dinner with a couple of wonderful friends. They and their kids distracted me and helped me have as relaxing an evening as I could. After an hour or so at the restaurant, though, I felt the need to be with Charlie, so we rather abruptly left. I know our friends understood.

The rest of the evening Tim and I gave Charlie water through a syringe (he seemed unable to drink from the water bowl), sat by the crate petting him, wiped his poor little bottom, cried, and talked together about today's vet appointment. Were we going to put him down? Were we going to explore treatment options? Was this a permanent downturn in his health? Was he on his last legs? He sure looked it. The water we gave him seemed to perk him up a little though, so we did that a few times. 

Fitful sleep awaited both of us, and Egg (our other little kitty) was quite distressed by the smell of blood, the tension in the house, and the strange behavior of his brother. No one slept much. 

This morning I finished getting my cooking demo stuff together, we got Charlie settled in the cat carrier, and headed to the vet's 

Long appointment story short: Charlie is still alive. His kidneys and liver are failing, as rather comprehensive (and expensive) blood tests showed. The vet explained to us what this means, how we can manage this long and short term, and what the future might look like. The worst news is that we can't give Charlie his pain meds anymore, which means his arthritis will very soon cause him to be in pain a lot of the time. (Our vet obviously felt remorse that he's  been so focused on a couple of Charlie's problems, that he didn't see these other issues developing. Well, hindsight is 20/20, and all that. No blame from us.) We took the vet's suggestion to give Charlie fluids, an antibiotic shot, feed him through a syringe, and take him home for the weekend, postponing our decision until Monday. That way we can see how/if he responds, and we'll have some time to talk about what we want to do for this little guy. 

I rushed from the vet appointment to the cooking demo, which went fine. I must say, I think it was a little boring for the people there - I didn't plan a very interactive menu, but they enjoyed the food, so I hope it was worth it. I also hope they'll go home and cook the dishes I taught them! That would make me really happy. ;-) It was great for me to have something to do today other than worry about my kitty. Helped me get through the day with very few tears. 

Came home to Charlie in the bathroom. He looks a little better today. The bleeding has stopped, and he seems better able to rest than he could yesterday. 

Then I got a migraine. Not one of those little ones that my meds seem to quickly take care of. A pounding, can't sit up, can't focus migraine. I stumbled to the bathroom and took 2 pills. They didn't seem to do any good...for hours. Bah! Hours later, when I went to take a second dose, I realized that in my fuzzy state I'd taken plain acetaminophen instead of my migraine meds. No wonder nothing was happening! Had to cancel dinner with my dad, which I hated to do!

It's now 9:53 p.m. My headache is subsiding. Charlie is resting quietly. Egg is ready for bed. And so am I! Tired, exhausted really. Emotionally worn out. Tim's already asleep on the couch. What will Monday bring for us? I'm so happy that I have such lovely friends who care enough about me to not minimize this pet pain Tim and I are having!

So there's my weekend. Wait, I still have another day! Tomorrow will be much more peaceful and quiet. I'll spend some quiet time with Charlie, go to church, enjoy a wedding shower for 2 of my friends, and just relax. Lovely!

P.S. Not sure if this is the kind of thing to blog about. Is this journal material instead? Don't know why I'm throwing this out into the world, but it is somehow cathartic to share this story. So forgive me if this is too personal, too long, too sad. I'll work on happier thoughts! After all, I love this kitty, but I can still say with sincere conviction and belief that I live a rather lovely life, sick kitty or not. So goodnight, and good rest!

A Poem

And look at this lovely poem she wrote!

THE PLAN

In the experiences of a simple/crazy life,
farming Canadian dirt, raising
half a dozen exuberant kids,
stringing sheets out on the line....

I'm praying to slow and see
the sacred in the chaos,
the Cross in the clothespin,
the flame in the bush.

Credit given to blogger at aholyexperience.com

Gratitude...

At least two of my friends are joining in on this...

I think I will, too! I must confess, I'm not sure how it is supposed to work, but I'll add the blog link and add my gratitude to the list! :-) Seems like a great idea, to be grateful, that is. And how much do I have to be grateful for? Here's just a few things...

1) my husband, who is amazing and loves me so much

2) my kitties, who I both love and adore. They add a lot to my life. ;-)

3) God, who loves me beyond what I deserve, more than I can comprehend, and through everything I have faced and will face

4) the beautiful flowers in my yard (have I been promising pictures all summer and haven't yet delivered?!)

5) the amazing weather here in Colorado. Warm during the day, blanket cool at night. Such a gift!

What are you thankful for today?

Improvement part 2

Do you have a group of people with whom you regularly meet, who make you feel better, almost regardless of what's going on in your life? A group of people who ask you the hard questions, are always there with ready love, and walk through life's ups and downs with you?

I do, and I feel very blessed about that. 

Tim and I attend a Bible study on Friday nights filled with the most wonderful people! We always meet for a potluck dinner, chat for a long time, then finally get started on our study. That in itself would be worth attending. Our conversations rarely stick with the initial question posed, but we delve deep into one another's lives, talking about all kinds of things. And all this intense conversation is framed with love, humor and honesty about ourselves. I think we all try to be as transparent as possible.

This group of wonderful people, this expected positive interaction is the other reason I woke up Saturday feeling less sad about my sister and her family leaving. 

I cried a good bit of the drive from my house to Bible study last Friday, and when I arrived, I sat in my car for a minute or two trying to decide how I was going to be. Would I let those tears go if they started to fall, or would I put up my defenses and hold back? Vulnerable and wimpy feeling or stoic and fake feeling? I couldn't decide, so I just went in and decided to go with the flow. 

Of course, someone almost immediately asked me how I was, casually, you know, "How are you tonight?" 

"I'm all right," I replied. 

Vince looked at me with a slightly sad look and patted my shoulder. Just a few minutes later, though, he came back. 

"What would it take for you to be great tonight?" Ah, the love of these people! How kind, how tender, how loving of him to ask that second question, to not just let it go. 

Friday night was a balm to my soul, and I'm so thankful for it - for these people who love me just as I am, and allow me to love them back!

Improvement

Well, I'm feeling a little better today. Actually, quite a bit better. I had a great, therapeutic day yesterday that seems to have helped me through a lot of the tough emotions and sadness I was feeling. Physical exhaustion will do that for ya! 

I went on a hike that was rather difficult for me. Ok, I was gasping at some points! I did it, though, and that was a huge encouragement to me. A real boost to my self-esteem and self-concept. The hike reviews called it moderate and said you could expect to complete it in about 2.5 hours. Well, as hard as it was for me on the first half (almost all uphill!), I thought for sure by the time we'd finished we'd been walking for 3 1/2 or 4 hours. No! Only 2 hours, 40 minutes. Boy, oh boy, was I proud of myself. Big smiles all around. 

Ok, so today I'm kind of paying for this. Both my knees hurt quite a bit (The "good" one is now going bad. Time to go to the doctor...again?), my bad foot hurts, too. Other than that, I'm high as a kite about this accomplishment.

I can breath a sigh of relief today. I don't feel on the verge of tears when I'm sitting still or not surrounded by people. I'm coming into calm and feeling a real peace about my lovelies leaving. For that I'm profoundly thankful!