About Me

Friday, January 27, 2012

Challenged and fed

"It was just minutes later that the dolphins came. ... I had never seen wild dolphins before, and I laughed out loud as they swept past Iduna. ... they leapt at her bow and dived beneath us ... they would turn their heads on one side and look up, and at the same time I could reach down and touch them. This is what being here is all about, I thought."

These are Ellen MacArthur's words as she left port one morning on her first solo sail of considerable length (around the island of Britain) at the age of 18. Ellen's love for sailing and the sea came early in her life and quickly developed into a consuming passion. She tossed aside her thoughts of becoming a veterinarian, or anything else for that matter, and turned all of her energy toward her goal of accomplishing all she could as a sailor.

Taking on the World is Ellen's personal story of her journeys - both internal and external - as she learns about herself, about sailing, and as she tackles what to me seem unimaginable goals including a solo trip around the globe. She speaks with clarity, not shying from struggles and heartaches, but her joy and love of the sea and sailing come through.

How inspiring, how motivating to read someone's story as they pursue their goals with passion and vigor! What would I like to accomplish in my life? What goals lie hidden inside me? Do I have the energy and stamina to pursue them? Perhaps my goals are of a much smaller ilk, but I nevertheless feel energized thinking about the small steps I can take. I love what books do for my mind! :-)

And the there's Don't Let's Go to the Dogs Tonight - Alexandra Fuller's autobiography of her childhood in Zimbabwe in the 1970s and 80s. I related to so much in this book - being a white child on a continent of brown-skinned people, feeling like a native but knowing I somehow am not fully so, struggling to find my place in my ever-changing world. But unlike mine, her story is filled with heartache at the death of 2 siblings and the toll that took on her family, her mother's struggle with depression, the war and revolution that surrounded her. Yet she tells all these stories with such a light hand - not making light of life's tragedies, but taking them in stride, not allowing them to kill her spirit, finding a way to keep going with joy and perseverance. The book's closing sentence says it all:

This is not a full circle. It's Life carrying on. It's the next breath we all take. It's the choice we make to get on with it.

Once again, a book inspires me to not give up, to not lie down, but to keep going - and perhaps with even more vigor and perseverance than I had yesterday.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Just us

We said it...

...out loud.

Without God's direct intervention, we will not be parents.


Standing in the bathroom, our arms around each other, tears in our eyes.

After so many years of wanting, hoping, wondering, skirting the issue, looking at it head-on, and everything in between - we said it out loud.

Is my heart overwhelmed or suddenly healed? Neither.

But I do feel a tiny grain of hope that healing will come. I do. I feel the tiniest seed inside me growing, knowing that God will take this loss of motherhood and heal it in my heart.

Will my arms always feel the emptiness of never having held my own child? Will I always see the joy of toddlers with a twinge of bittersweet?

Maybe. I don't know. So much I don't know, really.

I don't know God's purpose in this. I don't know why Tim and I, with our deep love, with our already long history, with our desire to be great parents - why we're the ones without a child to love.

But I do know this...

In our house, the wonder of Christmas will be found in our eyes, and the 4th of July fireworks will amaze us, and we'll be the ones laughing with joy at the new kitten. As we grow up and grow old - the joy that children carry? - we two will keep it alive in our own hearts.

And there is one other thing I do know...

The LORD is my shepherd. I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.


Sunday, January 15, 2012

Bad dreams

Ever have one of those nights when you toss and turn, and every time you wake up it's from a terrible dream?

Yuck!

Last night was like that for me. It seems there's quite a bit on my emotional plate - maybe more than I thought! I did some heavy journaling yesterday on some issues that have lately come to light, and it was all spinning around in my mind as I slept. Whew! It was interesting what the dreams were about - it seemed like the issues I'd spent the most time writing about weren't the ones most disturbing my subconscious. I'll take note of that.

So today, on this cloudy Sunday, I'd better get myself out of bed and ready to go. Church, hanging out with a friend, maybe games with neighbors tonight. A lovely day after having been sick much of this week. I'm almost all better - still eating a little tentatively and in tiny portions, but when is that bad? :-)

A pretty sweater, comfy cords and warm socks. I'll be all set. Even with the bad night's sleep. If I could just get out of this warm bed...

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Sicky

Who loves it when I'm sick? Who's in heaven when I'm at my worst?

Well, that would be Egg. "Oh, you're coming back to bed? And you're going to stay here all day? Divine!"

He loves it! He thinks I'm doing it just to keep him warm, and the loud purring that greets me each time he snuggles up to me is, to say the least, very comforting.

And then when I'm better and no longer spending all day in bed, he follows me around, crying mournfully, and dashing to the bed every time it seems I might be in even the tiniest way moving in that direction.

Very cute.

Yes, I've had the stomach flu that seems to be making its way through the city. I hope no one else I know gets it. None too pleasant. All that you would expect from the stomach flu plus the delights of a raging headache and fever. Yay!

I'm better today, although that's what I thought a couple days ago. Learned my lesson this time. Won't pronounce myself well for a couple more days.

Meanwhile, more lovely crackers and applesauce...

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Another book!

I just finished reading a wonderful book - The Calligrapher's Daughter. Set in Korea from around 1915 to 1945, this book tells the story of Najin and her family as they ride the waves of the years passing. Najin is headstrong, intelligent, and encouraged by her mother to both honor traditional values, and push the boundaries of those values. Najin struggles, learns, grows, and the tale, too, grows in scope. This is a story about endurance, perseverance, determination, faith, war, suffering, victory and redemption. Beauty, relationships, mothers and daughters, fathers and sons.

Written with authenticity, passion, and great tenderness, you will love the tale of this family as they work to survive the world that is in turmoil all around them.

I loved this book!