With and without

I'm watching an old episode of Project Runway - one where the designers' moms all show up on set to be their muse and model for the next project. They scream, burst into tears, hug, celebrate. The producers of these shows do this every so often - to pull at our heartstrings, to keep us watching, to get us emotionally involved. It works.

I cry, too, watching all these young people and their joy at seeing their mothers, and it is hard to describe the deep feeling in my heart, the immediate welling of tears.

My mom will never surprise me at the airport. I won't get a surprise phone call on my birthday or Christmas day. I won't ever get another precious Valentine's Day card from my dad. I'm having to learn how to do all those things, continue to celebrate all those days without a parent.

I miss my mom and dad. Mom's been gone since '96, but now having lost Dad makes me miss Mom more than I have for several years.

I'm an orphan. Not many people who haven't lost both parents really understand that. "You're an adult," you can see them thinking. "Why would you describe yourself that way?"

I'm not saying I am in terrible pain every day ... but I surely do miss them.

My heart is healing, in small steps, in a thousand small ways. I planted a fall-harvest vegetable garden, and each little seed seems to represent a step in my healing. Last summer and fall, contemplating a new garden seemed impossible, too painful. This summer and fall, that new life feels good, healing.

And as I manage my life, make choices about spending time with people, figure out the balance between serving others and taking care of myself and Tim, I find myself thinking about Mom and what she would have done. She had pretty good boundaries, and seemed to have a wisdom about all this. I'd love to hear her opinion, but I did have some good talks with Dad about it - and that will have to be enough.

After all, in the end the person I want to please is neither my mom nor my dad. It is God. Is he pleased with my life, my choices? Am I growing in the ways he would like? How can I discern that through the chaos and noise of this world?

So I keep moving onward, keeping planting new things, keep learning about myself and who I should be. All without a mom or dad to help guide me.

I miss my parents - sometimes in a searing, heart-pounding way - but even in the missing I can see the many who surround me, love me deeply, and walk the path with me.

Love is patient

I woke up this morning - earlier than I'd planned - to the harsh rumble of gas-powered landscaping tools, shovels scraping against one another, the clanging of a pile of tools being unloaded. And I immediately grumbled and became angry. Finally a great night of sleep, and a morning that didn't begin, very first thing, with pain. Finally - but now the world is rudely intruding on my quiet and my peaceful rest.

Who am I angry at?

My neighbors for wanting a beautiful yard?

The landscapers for wanting to get an early start and minimize their hours in the heat of this summer?

I sit down to write a couple e-mails and take care of some neglected tasks and I am drawn to check on the blogs I follow. I see that A Holy Experience was posted just 3 minutes ago. Fresh words - am I the first to read them this morning?

And what words they are - leading me to slow down for another minute, to think about my day, my life, to stop and think about patience.

Wonderful words. I hope they encourage you today.

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/07/when-youre-finding-it-hard-to-be-patient/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+HolyExperience+%28Holy+Experience%29

Both sides now

They're coming thick and fast now, and lasting longer, and more intense, and last night waking me with throbbing pain, leaking into my dreams, and still half asleep I somehow thought someone was dying because of my pain - that weird mixture of waking and sleeping when our dreams bleed into wakefulness, but we can't quite separate the two, and when pain makes everything surreal. I remember crying out before I knew I was still dreaming, before I was fully awake.

I gingerly walk to the bathroom to spill medicine into my palm, wash it down with water. Twice I do this between lights out and sunrise. As the morning comes, my pain is diminished but not gone, and I am worn out from the beating I've taken through the night.

This has been a summer of headaches - almost daily, but until just a couple days ago brief and of low intensity. The barometric shifts? The intensity of the light? Research, reading, food diaries reveal nothing more for me to do than just wait it out ... or go on the preventative drug with all its weird side affects. But a night like last night makes me wonder - is it time? I'd so rather not.

Meanwhile, I'll do what I always do. Cancel what I need to. Keep doing what I can. Enjoy the days I feel good. Try to just rest and not get frustrated the days I have to lie around. There are, in fact, lovely elements of those bed-stay days - Egg's snuggling, fun movies, good books, naps, simple meals.

And I'm having plenty of good days to hike, cook, enjoy summer.

Balance. It's all about balance. I can't control my body - that is a lesson learned many years ago, made more clear each year. So I will keep working to find joy even in the crazy hours, the days I'm awakened predawn with pain but get to see the sunrise, hear the first bird's call.

Because the bottom line for me is ... I've tasted and seen that the Lord is good. The flavor of his goodness stays on my tongue and drives away the bitterness of ugly days. Not pious cliche, but experienced truth. I've said it before and I'll continue to assert it.

Balance. Rest. Beauty. Goodness.

The other side of the coin.

Some things are just so simple

For someone who likes to cook as much as I do, I must confess that I do not like cooking in the summer. My kitchen has very little air flow, and so using even one burner heats up the room beyond what seems reasonable. And we have a gas grill, but I just am not in the habit of using it, or even remembering to use it. Maybe I should hang a sign over my stove: Go Use the Grill!

For Christmas my lovely sister gave me subscriptions to 2 magazines, one of which is Everyday Foods, a Martha Stewart publication. (No matter what you think about this crazy lady, I think she is amazing. She remains the head of a giant empire that, after years and years, continues to put out good products. I think that's rather remarkable.)

Back to the story...

So Sis' gave me this magazine for Christmas, and I've used it a little, but not tons and tons. Around rolled summer and I began to turn to it more and more as I wanted to be in my kitchen less and less. And this week - a revelation. Two revelations. Actually, three. ;-)

Revelation One: If I have groceries in the house and plans for simple meals, getting dinner ready doesn't take much time (or require much sweating). Is that a revelation? Shouldn't be at 41, but sometimes I forget the basics. We've been low on groceries and food plans since...about last June. Go figure...

Revelation Two: A simple and delicious salad. Try this one - it really is quite yummy and, seriously, took about 10 minutes to put together. I myself am not a lover of canned tuna, but never the less enjoyed this. (Try it with leftover chicken, fish, or steak. Yum!)

Cucumber and Celery Salad with Tuna (serves 2 - easy to double)

• 1 tsp poppy or sesame seeds


• 1 1/2 Tbsp rice vinegar (would probably be just as delicious with cider or any other kind of vinegar)


• 1/2 Tbsp sugar


• 1 Tbsp olive oil


• about 3 c. cucumber, peeled, halved lengthwise and cut into 1/4" half-moons


• 2 celery stalks, cut into 1/4" pieces (include inner leaves)


• about 1/2 c sliced or chopped radishes (optional, but I challenge you to try it!)
  


• 1 (5 oz.) can solid white tuna in water, drained and flaked


• coarse salt and pepper

In a medium bowl, stir together seeds, vinegar, sugar and oil. Add cucumber, celery, radishes, and tuna. Sprinkle with salt and pepper to taste and serve immediately. Yum!

Revelation Three: In the freezer section of your grocery store, I bet you can find resealable bags of little dinner rolls (uncooked). Know what you can do with these little babies? (You probably already know this...) You can make individual size pizzas! Another easy, quick, and low-heat treat from your kitchen this summer. Roll these babies out, put them on a cookie sheet lightly sprinkled with cornmeal, preheat the oven to 500' (or use the grill?), and top them with whatever you want. Tonight I sprinkled my dough with a little olive oil, salt and pepper, then minced garlic, shredded mozzarella, chifonnaded basil, thinly sliced roma tomatoes, and last - thin slices of fresh mozzarella. 500' for 10 minutes and ... voila! Delicious!

I guess these things won't revolutionize my life, but they made me smile! :-)

Satisfaction

She needed the address and phone number of her old landlord. Just having moved here from out of state, and trying to get assistance with her housing, this information was critical, but like so many who come into the downtown public library for help, she didn't have very much pertinent information that could assist me as I tried to help her.

She had his first name. She remembered the city she'd lived in. And I had the idea to search for a realtor near her old address - she had that on her license. Thank goodness she had that piece of information.

We searched a couple different ways ... then all of a sudden, in the list of realtors (narrowed down by proximity to her old address), there was a name she recognized.

"That's it!" she smiled and pointed to the computer screen.

Mission accomplished. First and last name, address, phone number - all located for this woman who was so in need.

What an amazing feeling - to be able to come to work and help people in such a real and tangible way. Yes, we at the library feel like we spend an awful lot of our time finding useless information, helping people with things that seem very insignificant (the MTV top 100 videos of 1985?).

But every once in a while, we get to help someone with something that actually makes a difference in their lives.

I'm thankful for this wonderful opportunity. I'm thankful that my body allows me to work these few hours a month. I'm thankful for my truly excellent co-workers who always welcome me with a smile and treat me just like a regular. I'm thankful for the smiles of the patrons who are thankful in return.

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(There are silly times, too. Just now I walked over to a table of friends who were looking at a laptop, laughing, talking animatedly. "Ladies," I said with my most serious face on, "you're clearly having too much fun. I'm going to need you to turn that computer around so I can see what you're having so much fun doing." Our serious faces all broke into smiles and giggles.

"We're looking at dream houses!" they tittered, and proceeded to give me a virtual tour of one they were all oogling. There's silliness here, too, if you let it in. Shh - don't let that secret out.)

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A series of obscure books he didn't think we had available. A favorite movie from childhood. A map of train routes to Oregon. Information about a new medical diagnosis. A safe driving route across the Rockies in the middle of winter and the forecast of approaching storms. An old landlord's name and phone number so she can get help with housing here in our fair city.

How many jobs give you the chance to smile at so many people in one day, and sometimes, just every once in a while, make a real difference in someone's life?

Buzzing

There are these trees blooming in my neighborhood that are covered with flowers - clusters of light yellow, delicate flowers that smell divine. Walking around the neighborhood this morning, strolling down the sidewalk, I heard a pretty loud buzzing. Bees. The tree was filled with busy bees going about their business, making their living, collecting pollen from all those lovely flowers.

It was amazing to stand beneath that tree and listen to the sound - one that is usually pretty malignant, that makes us cringe and look around to see where the buzzer might be. The stinger, really - that's what we're looking for.

But I just stood there, looking up, watching them contentedly gathering. They took no notice of me.

It felt like a metaphor for my summer. (Maybe this will be a stretch...)

Things are just buzzing along. My days are pretty busy - in fact, my schedule is more filled than I'd like. I haven't done but one tiny stitch of gardening (mixed metaphor), haven't been cooking very much, and am only getting in a hike every other week or so. (I keep thinking to myself, "Well, I can't do everything.")

My old complaint - that my schedule feels out of control. "What else is new?" those you who know me are thinking. Seems like I have to do this paring every 6 months or so...at least. :-) Something about me, my life, the way I live. So I'll once again try to pare things down and make room for other things - the gardening and hiking and family and cooking.

But it is, after all, summer. Summer seems to be busy for just about everyone. Kind of crazy, isn't it? The kids are out of school, we're all taking vacations, the days are long and hot - yet we run around like crazy people. It will be good to slow down a little.