About Me

Monday, June 27, 2011

Bliss

I'm not writing much. And I'm not taking any pictures. I guess I just haven't had that much to say. Just ordinary summer days passing by.

But every once in a while something snaps into focus in my head.

A year ago today I was scrambling furiously to finish the slide show we wanted to use at Dad's funeral. I was sitting in that big church listening to people who had loved Dad for decades share their stories. I was wrapping up a week of hell and ready for what I was going to call my "blank day". I was about to collapse.

This will be quite a different week...and I am in quite a different place.

I don't feel tormented, exhausted, over-burdened, or overwhelmed.

I feel at peace, thankful for my father, thankful that I am not in emotional agony.

I am watching each of my flowers grow and my strawberries spread. I am figuring out how to organize my summer days, and wanting to get more time with my nephews. I am sort of coordinating a 4th of July camping trip, and figuring out what food I'll plan to make. I am trying to balance hiking and lovely yard work with boring house work. :-)

Tonight it is cool and quiet, and I can hear the train passing by downtown, a couple miles away. I spent the afternoon and evening with friends, cooked delicious fried rice for dinner, and am watching a little TV before bed. I read my sister's awesome blog and was reminded of that which is most important to me.

All in all, and especially compared to last June 27, today was just ... plain ... bliss.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

One year

I know these things are true...

My dad loved me as much as a father could.

Dad knew how much I loved him, too. We spoke tender words and affirmed our love before he died.

God blessed my dad with a second family, who he loved just as much as his first. Janice, Matt and Melissa were precious to Dad and are precious to me.

God used my dad in mighty ways through his whole life. A whole book could be written about this.

Dad was passionate, quick-tempered, and had a hearty laugh. He also had a chuckle that was soft and infectious.

When my mom died, I thought I would die in my grief. I don't feel that way this time around. It's not that I don't miss him, because I certainly do, but I am so much more at peace. It falls on me like a soft, gentle rain. I am thankful.

I miss Dad - and I am deeply saddened to have to live so much of my life without either parent.

God loves me and will carry me through each and every one of those years.

I love you, Dad.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Almost here

I'm kind of floating through this week in a strange awareness of what took place on each date last year, but somehow it isn't getting me very down. It feels kind of weird. Missing Dad terribly isn't translating as much to pain and sorrow. It is just a missing...

I anticipated Father's Day, expecting a day filled with pain and sadness. Instead, I had a quiet day mostly to myself that was filled with thankfulness and peace for who Dad was to me, the life he lived, what he meant in my life.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of his death, and who knows what that will bring. I might wake up feeling really sad. I might wake up with this same feeling of peace I've had all week.

I do feel a little strange. I am kind of out of it, not thinking too clearly, a little fuzzy in my head. I'm clearly not quite myself ... but at the same time, I'm not feeling incredibly down or overwhelmed by sadness.

Does it feel like it's been a year? Yes. It feels like it's been several years. Is it because of everything that happened in my own body so soon after Dad's death - that I feel this weird sense of so much time passing?

Who knows. All I know is that I am thankful to not have the gut-wrenching, almost unbearable days of sadness I had surrounding the first anniversary of my mom's death. I am so thankful to be able to spend more time and emotional energy on the good stuff - appreciating who Dad was, how loved I was, and how much I loved Dad.

I miss him. I miss his voice, his touch, his support. I miss so much about him.

And I'm thankful for him. So thankful...

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Just thoughts

The past week has just flown by!

I went on several lovely hikes with fun friends.

Tim and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary by spending a day wandering around in the mountains, hiking, exploring...and changing a tire in the middle of nowhere! :-)

I worked a couple shifts at the library - always fun to catch-up with old co-workers.

But I also felt this building awareness of the passing of anniversaries - Dad coming home, Dad going into the hospital, Dad's diagnosis....

Last night I sat down and read a bunch of my blogs from last summer. I started the summer much like I started this one - planning to hike and garden, walk with a friend every week, shop at the farmers' markets. And then things just disintegrated.

Last night I once again felt my losses and remembered the weight of everything that happened - starting in May with Tim's bike accident and shoulder injury, all the way to the recovery from my surgery in the fall.

I am trying to not feel panicked about this summer. I am trying to not feel like I have to squeeze in everything I possibly can before the summer disappears into difficulty. I am trying to just live day by day, in peace, not expecting bad things to happen.

And tomorrow is Father's Day. Now I have two days a year that I'll want to hide from the world.

I miss Dad.

I know I'll be all right, and I'm certainly not feeling this way all the time, but for today and tomorrow - yuck.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

A friday morning's ramble

The most incredible things happen to me.

One friend tells me I'm like my mother, another speaks words of care and empathy. And as I drove in one morning's misty rain, God poured into my heart a song with just the words I needed to hear.

This seems to be for me a season of affirmation and love. I am surrounded by love, filled by it, buoyed by it. What else will this summer bring? What is this building-up of my self leading to? Is there something new on my horizon?

Each new day, brought in by birdsong and the sparkling sunshine, feels like a gift.

May it be a summer of wonder. Incredible.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Sarah

I sleep with my windows open now, and at times the air is scented with the sweetness of the Russian Olive trees' lemon-colored blossoms. The trees are sage-green, thorny things that grow well in our semi-arid climate, and I would say they are not a favorite of most people. I love them, though. I love the juxtaposition of their light green leaves and their reddish-brown bark. I love the delicacy of their leaves and and the lacy pattern they create against fences. I love how rugged yet fancy they look.

I've heard they make a mess, though. They drop olives all over the yard that have to be raked up, and their 2-inch thorns make them a daunting foe. So they're beautiful, but kind of a nuisance.

I love this time of year, when the air is full of their scent. It is sweet without being cloying, and floats on the breeze, coming in at the most unexpected moments. I step out of my car at the grocery store, and there it is. I lie down at night to read before going to sleep, and it floats in. I walk to a friend's house, and it follows me there.

That's just like beauty though, isn't it? Unexpected, showing up at the strangest moments, but almost always to be found if looked for. Do you walk around with your eyes wide open? Do you expect to see you beauty, or are you so busy, so harried, so frustrated that you miss what is right in front of you? I sometimes am...

What if you had a whole extra day each week just to see. Would you? Or would you fill it up, too?


What if you had one extra hour every evening around sunset just to find the most beautiful ray of light? Would you? Or would dinner and the kids and the hours of the day overwhelm you?


I have a friend who sees beauty all around her, every day, everywhere she goes. And she stops to take pictures. She talks about it. She tells the stories.... "Today I was walking to the corner store and look - the sun was shining in such an amazing way! Look at these leaves! Don't they look like glass...or jewels?"


I want to make that choice - to see. To live each day with my eyes wide open. To miss nothing. To never be too busy to stop for just one second and see what is all around me - beauty. In one perfect bloom. In the sun's glint off a piece of broken glass. In the footprint of a dog. In the deep green of the unmown grass. In the beautiful colors of my chopped vegetables. In the print of my favorite sundress. In the stained glass of the leaves outside my window. In the birdsong in the early morning. In the hazy heat of a July afternoon. In the song on the radio. In the smile of that child.

See...


Thanks, Sarah, for your eyes...and your pictures. Fall, 2010, Shooks Run, Colorado Springs, my corner. :-)

Sarah and I were sitting on my porch talking and she noticed this beautiful, late afternoon light. She asked for my camera, ran to the corner and took these pictures. Sarah sees.

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Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Honored

I was working in his mother's kitchen, and he offered his knives to me. An actual Johnson and Wales graduate, a bona fide chef, a craftsman gave me permission to use his tools.

And he liked my food. He liked my food.

Wow.

His compliments touched me deep down inside - way beyond simple ego. Me - a totally untrained, home cook, who has dared to begin teaching cooking classes, and is toying with the idea of catering - made food that he truly enjoyed. Wow .... wow.

I wish I could express this better. I wish I could somehow convey the swell in my heart that wasn't just my pride, but who I am. The me who shows people love by feeding them, who expresses creativity by cooking, who has worked hard to learn and improve my skills.

Thanks for the compliments. Thanks for the affirmation. Thanks for enjoying this part of who I am.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Love





I am overwhelmed with emotions.

I am exhausted from hard work.

I am filled up to the brim with love.







I got home last night from North Carolina where I attended the wedding of my very good friend Sarah. What can I say? I have too much to say, too many thoughts and feelings swirling around inside my brain and heart... It was a whirlwind of work, 3 days of fun and accomplishing much together, meeting new people and feeling like I'd known them for years, serving one another whether in the lovely air conditioning or outside in the sticky NC heat.

Whew! Just stopping long enough to think about what to say brings tears to my eyes. When I came home last night, I told Tim I was pretty overwhelmed emotionally. Why? Why wasn't this just another wedding?

... because hanging out with a bunch of MKs (missionary kids) brings up memories, feelings and so much of my history and heart ...

... because watching Sarah and her two sisters interact with their dad made me miss my own dad very much ...

... because I was lavished with love for days on end ...

... because I got to spend a couple days in a kitchen cooking up pots of love for wonderful people.


And Sarah, the bride? She is amazing. In the midst of her incredible to-do list, her vision for this beautiful day, and the pressure that always lies on a bride, she was gracious, kind and sensitive to others. She seemed to find time and energy each day to affirm her love for me, to give me a hug, to thank me.

Was the trip, the work, the money spent worthwhile?

To be honest, it may be one of the most significant events in my adult life. I made new friends, I learned about myself, I was given opportunity after opportunity to lavish love on others and love was lavished on me.

Most of all, two amazing people who I love beyond words said their vows of marriage in front of God, their family and friends, and allowed me to be a part of that.






I am overwhelmed with emotions.

I am exhausted from hard work.

I am filled up to the brim with love.







My thanks to Veanez for the amazing pictures!!! You have a gift. xo