Before and after

I was cleaning out the "Sent" box in my e-mail and received a stark reminder of my before and after.

Before Dad came home I was creating a new bread recipe, picking dates to go to Rockies' games, and hoping to ride bikes with friends. I had high hopes for a summer filled with gardening, hiking, and telling Dad everything that had happened while he was gone.

Then for about 2 weeks, every e-mail seems to be titled "Jim", "Dad's illness" or something like that.

I deleted most of the e-mails I sent. Instead of keeping the bad news, I've kept the letters and notes of encouragement and love from all my friends. Those I will keep and read again and again.

I'm trying to keep walking ahead on my road, while spending enough time looking back and crying, remembering, grieving. But I don't think I'll need e-mails I wrote to remember the sad news I had to share.

Today I'm feeling tired, worn out. Is it emotional or physical? Both, probably. Just so much to do in normal life, besides feeling weighed down by the extra things I'm carrying around. Keep trucking. Keep picking away at my tasks. Today I paid a couple bills. Tomorrow I'll do some laundry. And each day is a new day to process memories, cry a little more, heal a little more. Just keep walking.

Tranquility

I've had a crazy summer.

Tim's bike wreck in May that tore his shoulder and put him out of commission for 8 weeks (so far!).

My dad's illness and death in June.

My illness in July.

Is that going to be it for the summer? I sure hope so. I'd like nothing else to happen. I'd like quiet days, filled with hiking, gardening, job hunting (for Tim), getting back into some sort of routine.

And I thought I'd be well by now. I surely didn't expect what my ct scan showed - that I have an infection in my abdomen, but they can't tell what exactly it is. Hmm. Another 10 days of antibiotics; another ct scan. If the results aren't positive or conclusive, surgery to "clean it out" as the doctor said. Yuck! Surely don't want surgery, so I'm hoping this next round of antibiotics will work.

It seems that this isn't to be the tranquil summer I had in mind. I'm trying to just roll with the punches, but they're coming a little hard and fast. Quick, duck!

I must give credit to my friends who have been amazing! They have carried me through these tough weeks and months - from near and far. How can I thank them? How can I ever adequately convey to them what their love and friendship has meant to me. I probably can't, but I'll try to figure something out, and it will probably have something to do with food. :-)

Dad

Everything reminds me of Dad...

...the rock 'n' roll reminds me of his exuberant spirit.

...the Vietnamese noodle bowl reminds me of his love for food and fun.

...my vegetable garden reminds me of, well, all of him.

Few words, many emotions, unpredictable tears as the days pass. We keep walking down the road.

Can you tell I'm thinking about food?

I'm not quite hiking up Queen's Canyon, but wonder of wonders, starting last night I got to eat bland food! Such a relief. I wasn't starving, and that really surprised me. In fact, I was surprisingly not hungry. My body telling me to please leave it alone? Perhaps. But, there's only so much Jell-o you can eat before you get bored...

So today I plan to eat white rice and applesauce. Woo hoo! Thank goodness for me, those are two things I actually love! I won't eat very much, mind you, because I had a little bit last night (about 1/4 c of rice), and my tummy feels a little funny again this morning. I guess I really need to do what my body tells me right now...although my heart is telling me that a warm flour tortilla with a little pile of refried beans and avocado would be delicious. Woops! That one will have to wait. :-)


I've been encouraged as I've been reading about my new condition. I can still eat all the things I love - spicy, exotic, sometimes fatty, wonderful stuff. ;D I just need to make sure those things are the indulgences and not the regular items.


Of course, I already knew that, didn't I? It's as if I'm not really needing to do anything new - just make the changes I already intended, but with a little more urgency and purpose of mind. And that's never a bad thing.

My anchor

Has it just been 5 days since I last wrote? Good grief - seems like a couple weeks, at least.

Boy howdy, am I having a tough summer! You wouldn't know it from my tomatoes, though. They are growing like gang-busters and look terrific. Is that the silver lining? ;-D

So, my already difficult summer has had one more thing added to it: I was just tentatively diagnosed with diverticulitis. As if I didn't already have enough going on. I must confess I'm quite discouraged to have one more thing wrong with me physically. I guess I'm just not one of those robust, healthy people who can do whatever they want. Bummer.

Sometimes I feel so discouraged by that. I would like to be able to do whatever the heck I want, whenever I want. And I am able to do a lot. More than so many people. I know that. But, good grief - migraines, bad knees since teen years, plantar fasciitis that won't go away, and now diverticulitis? Whew! I'm worn out just thinking about all of it.

But I need to remember to keep my focus on CHRIST!

Here's how I see it: I can either choose to trust God or not. Black and white issue for me. I know some of you have heard me say that before.

Psalms 139:13-16 says...

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

So it's like Shakespeare wrote in Henry V: Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more...

Once again, I'll choose to trust God. I will cling to Him and trust Him with all my hurts, disappointments, and sorrows. For it was He who made me, who loves me most, who gives me strength to smile and live through my days, both good and bad. It is God who has ordained a plan for my life, who carries me in the cup of His hand, and who won't ever let me go.

This God - I'll trust. With each day, with each pain, with each sorrow - knowing He'll never let me go. And knowing that, I can live my most authentic life - because I am fully known by Him. I have nothing to hide, nothing to fear, no need to pretend.

In the midst of my discouragement and frustration, my sadness and grief, I have something to turn to that gives me real peace and brings light into my darkened room. It doesn't take away my sadness, but helps me carry it. It doesn't remove my discouragement, but gives me a new perspective on it.

In the midst of this tough life we live, God's love is the anchor that centers my life and holds me close to sheltering shoals.


picture courtesy of flickr.com

Back in the saddle again

Sure seems like with all that's happened in the last month I would have new issues. I do, but the same old ones are just lying there under the new ones. :-)

Time to start getting myself back on my feet and taking care of myself and my hubby. Clean house, grocery shop, do laundry, exercise. It will feel good to get back in the saddle. It will feel like a healthy part of life going on. It will feel like I can step back into old, comfortable shoes and wear them around all day. I hope.

The challenge is finding those shoes and actually putting them on, because what I feel like doing is sitting in front of the TV or reading all day. Escaping, basically. I guess I'll do some of that, too, but today I'd better sweep and do a little house cleaning before we disappear under the mess. I told Tim last night that our house is getting a little nest-like, and not in a good way.

Big breath.

Saddle up!

Father, father

We headed home from the Sand Dunes Sunday evening, with the sun setting behind us, coating the mountains and fields in the most beautiful light. We saw small herds of pronghorn, green fields of summer, and gray mountains with the smallest touch of snow still lying in the valleys.


As we left Walsenburg and headed north, giant thunderheads were building in the sky. We chased them down the highway, watching the lightening flashing. First one, then another built in front of us. At each bend in the road, I expected to lose our view of the clouds, but they must have been further away than they appeared.


I was mesmerized. I couldn't stop watching them - those huge, puffy clouds filled with such harsh flashes of light. And it went on and on as the sky darkened and the lightening became more and more pronounced.


The miles flowed beneath us and just after sunset, we approached the city of Pueblo. In the distance, like neon popcorn, fireworks began to rise over the city in small patches, first one, then another. As one cluster died out, another would begin, and as we drove through the city they seemed to go on an on. To my left the city's fireworks; to my right, nature's fireworks.


Southern rock was playing, dark had fallen, and the fireworks filled my eyes. My heart broke open. Dad loved the 4th of July and family outings to fireworks, and this dual display was just what my worn out spirit needed to get those tears flowing.

On and on the light shows continued. Mile after mile, song after song. My concept of God the Father was so informed by my dad - his love, tenderness, passion for his family, his gentle touch. And now my dad is in heaven with my Father God. It was as if both God and my dad were sending me a message of peace and comfort.

Life will go on. Camp, hike, laugh, love. Life will go on. And everything will be all right.

And the tears ran down my face, the music played, the lightening flashed. Tim held my hand and I cried.

all pictures taken from google.com

Retreat

We drove down to southern Colorado this weekend to camp at the Great Sand Dunes National Monument with a group of friends and some family. Boy howdy, what a wonderful trip! The drive south then west was beautiful through some lovely mountains - great views of the Spanish Peaks, Blanca and Lindsey Mountains. Tim and I chatted, laughed and listened to music.

These amazing sand dunes are at the northeastern edge of the San Luis Valley - a true dessert (less than 8" rainfall/year), yet one of Colorado's most fertile farming regions thanks to artesian wells under the valley floor. The dune field covers about 30 sq. miles, 8 miles across at its widest point. Nestled at the foot of the Sangre de Cristo mountains, the dunes took me by surprise as we came out of the town of Blanca and turned into the national park.


We camped at a group site for 2 nights and enjoyed lots of good food, and even better company. Although physically tiring, it was a wonderful trip. It felt so good to be away from home, away from memories, away from the phone. I felt so emotionally safe with some of the people I love most in my life, and by whom I feel most loved. It was a wonderful refreshment to my spirit to not be thinking about Dad all the time. Ah, distraction!

We arrived just in time for dinner on Friday night, so we just settled in and enjoyed the evening. I'd brought a simple Indonesian meal to share with my sister and her family. Delicious! :-) That night I turned in early while almost everyone else went to a Park Ranger astronomy program. Just as I was falling asleep, it started to rain. Oh, bliss! The sound of the rain on my tent, the cool air coming in, snuggling in my sleeping bag. Although I didn't sleep well at all, it was a refreshing night of rain and cool air.

We awoke the next morning to clouds and more cool temperatures which I welcomed, knowing that this part of Colorado can be blistering hot. But even the next day, which welcomed us with clear blue skies, the temperatures weren't too bad until mid-afternoon.


Soon after breakfast on our first morning, we headed to the dunes, about 1 1/2 miles from our campsite which was up on the eastern hills. We walked across the fairly firm sand to the dunes - east to west. Climbing those dunes was HARD! I only made it up to the first line of humps. Just couldn't go any further. I suppose if I'd started earlier in the day, taken more time I could have gone further, but that was enough. :-)


I slept much better Saturday night, and woke up feeling more rested. Sunday we hiked, played in the Medona stream that ebbs and flows throughout the day, and contemplated heading home, which we did late afternoon.

Campfires, hot dogs, hikes, baby-wipe showers, sandy feet, hot sun, lots of water, lots of laughing. What else could one ask for on a camping vacation?


This last picture is the view of the dunes from our campsite. All these pics are courtesy of Tim.

We meandered home Sunday night to a terrific rainstorm - dirty, tired and ready for bed. I took a quick shower, journaled a little, then settled into bed. Home, sweet home.

Want more info about these dunes? Check out these sites...
http://academic.emporia.edu/aberjame/field/rocky_mt/zapata.htm
http://www.nps.gov/grsa/faqs.htm