The new year

I struggle to say, “Happy New Year” or to look forward to what the new year will bring as the last several years have each held huge and difficult challenges. As I look back and can see the resolution of each of those challenges, they seem manageable. But from this vantage point, with the loss of Matt still so new and painful, I feel like I’m waiting to get knocked off the precarious edge on which I stand. It feels like it wouldn’t take much. 

I feel our loss like lead in my pockets, like an onerous task looming on the horizon. It lies behind me like the memory of a devastating storm, and before me like a mountain that must be climbed. Nine weeks isn’t enough time to do much healing, especially in the midst of the holiday season. Thanksgiving and Christmas felt like obligations to grit my teeth and survive. I struggled to keep my eyes on Jesus during Advent, but took good steps to focus on Him. 

And now the holiday season is over. On to whatever “normal” life is going to look like. I began this morning by listening to songs that had encouraged and helped carry me through the early days, and their words encouraged me still. 

I tried to choose to keep my eyes on Jesus during Advent. And keeping my eyes on Jesus will get me through the coming days, as well. 

Letting go of every single dream, I lay each one down at Your feet...

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing you to move, 

When You don’t part the water I wish I could walk through, 

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust in You. 

I know You’re able and I know You can save through the fire with Your mighty hand, 

But even if You don’t my hope is You alone. 

I’m tired, I’m worn. My heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing. 

My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world. 

And I know that you can give me rest, so I cry out with all that I have left,

“Let me see redemption win, let me know the struggle ends, that you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn.” 

I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life, 

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn - cause I’m worn. 

I know I need to lift my eyes up, but I’m too weak. 

Life just won’t let up. 

But I know that you can give me rest, so I cry out with all that I have left,

“Let me see redemption win, let me know the struggle ends, that you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn. 

I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life,

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn - cause I’m worn.”