Miscellaneous

Sometimes, early in the morning, I lie in bed and thoughts of Dad fill my mind, swirling around. I can't get back to sleep, it's too early to want to get up, but I do anyway just to escape my thoughts.

Did I spend enough time with him? Did he know how much I loved him? He died not knowing the amazing things God did while I was on my trip last spring. Why, of almost all my friends, am I left an orphan? I have so many years to live without either parent. I miss our breakfasts together.

Up days and down days. Clearly today is a down day. But I've got a lot to do to fill my hours - good, practical housework that will keep me occupied. And I'll sit and journal some, too, and try to get some of these feelings down on paper. Just when I think I'm not missing him as much, my heart is filled with tears.

Day by day I walk my life's path, picking the beautiful flowers all along the way, treading lightly through thorny patches, picking myself up when I fall. I'm glad I don't walk alone. Husband, family, friends, God. Today I'll surround myself with practical chores and the good feelings that come from completing those irritating tasks - done! I'll listen to beautiful music. I'll miss Dad.

Tomorrow is supposed to be bitterly cold, and I think I'll plan to work on some project, drink hot cider, and watch favorite movies. Two good days in a row to be a salve to my hurting heart.

"Oops"

I'm sitting in bed catching up on e-mails. It seems I'm starting off an awful lot of them with apologies - for taking so long to reply, for not returning a phone call, for just forgetting.

Obviously, my brain isn't quite up to speed. I remember this from when Mom died. It seemed like it was about a year before I really felt like myself in terms of mental functioning. And back then I had a full time job. Man oh, was it a strain! I just had to try my very best. And sometimes that best wasn't very good.

What a state of grace I live in right now - to not have to be working full time, to have so many really fulfilling weekly commitments, for my life to be filled with so many great friends!

And there's more good news.

I'm beginning to really be able to enjoy stuff again. There isn't that layer of bittersweet about everything. Is it because the dreaded first Christmas is past? Is it just a function of time passing?

Whatever it is, I'm very grateful for it. I taught a cooking class this weekend, and it was pure joy. Tim and I had dinner with friends, then went to their house and played a game with them and their kids. Wonderful fun! I've got my spring schedule pretty much figured out and it feels really good. I'm even getting some long-overdue housework done, and it doesn't feel like an overwhelming, unachievable task!

All these things are adding up in the "good" column and adding to my joy. I still have hours, days even, where I miss Dad terribly, and the sum of everything that happened this past summer and fall feels overwhelming, but those are fewer and farther between than even a month ago. I have so much to be thankful for, and my heart is more and more able to focus on those things.

Is life returning to normal - whatever that means? It's beginning to, and it feels good.

Sarah

I miss her.

I miss her laugh.

I miss her hugs.

I miss the way she plays with her hair.

I miss feeding her.

I miss listening to her voice.

I miss having her in my living room.

I miss seeing her out of the corner of my eye at church.

I miss her phone calls.

I miss making plans with her.

June is so far away.

Begin again

A new year. And a beautiful new day, too! The sun is shining and the high will be somewhere around 20' F. I'm loving it, though. It means that the few inches of snow we got on Thursday will be lasting a couple days longer.

So a new year. I'm praying this year will bring some stability to our lives - a job for Tim, some income, good health.

But in that prayer are embedded words of trust and praise, because no matter what happens, no matter what this new year brings, I know that God will sustain me, carry me through, and work it all out. Evidence of that? This past year. It could have been tougher - even I will grant that. There could have been more difficult things that piled on. But through it all, every day, in every hour, I knew God was holding me close to his bosom, taking good care of me. I've emerged from last year with my trust in him affirmed and strengthened.

Yes, my heart continues to hurt - missing Dad, adjusting to life without him. That will take a while to heal. But in my place of sadness - my days when I seem to hourly leak tears, the times when my sadness translates into anger, when all I want is to crawl back into bed - God is with me.

A new year. A beautiful new day. My warm house. My cozy husband. Sunshine streaming into our windows. Kitty asleep on my bed. My heart at peace.

A good start.