That dreaded stack of insurance statements and bills from our summer of hell.
Seems like it shouldn't be such a big deal - just a task, an accounting job. But it has somehow become tied up with all the emotions and struggles of the summer - losing Dad, the stress of getting sick right after his death, the physical trauma I've undergone, the stress of Tim being unable to work for almost 10 weeks, and on top of all that, the financial strain that has come along with all of this.
But the task, for today at least, is accomplished. Every bill that isn't being contested is paid. I have all my little piles organized. I'm just waiting on word from the insurance company on some details.
What a huge relief.
And I only cried once. And it does feel incredibly good to have it done (almost). And it didn't feel like going back under the knife or freshly burying Dad.
But it did somehow feel like I was doing a reckoning of the losses of the past 5 months. It did almost feel like I was counting the cost of missing Dad, of not spending the summer hiking or gardening, of not seeing the golden aspens this fall, or having the energy or strength to wrestle with my nephews.
Because I'm not very good at compartmentalizing. I'm not like a box of crayons where every piece of my life is clearly labeled and easily discerned one from the other. I'm like a crazy pointillist painting where the whole that you see from a distance is made up of many tiny pieces. I think we're all like that. And sometimes the colors blur, and sometimes this bleeds into that. Beautiful, complex, sometimes hard to understand, with all our emotions bleeding into each other, affecting how we feel from seemingly unrelated points of influence.
But that's one more step taken toward healing and a whole heart. One more step toward peace and away from worry and burden. One more step taken with my hand being securely held by my Father Above.
Big sigh.
No comments:
Post a Comment