I won't detail the yucky stuff here. Suffice it to say I am not working to process my feelings. I need to do a little more of that and try to keep my sadness from turning to ugliness inside me - anger, irritability, etc. I also need to cut myself some slack and just get through this. Things will look a little better on the other side.
Not because anything will have fundamentally changed in me, but because the high expectations, the hoopla, and the demands of the holiday will be over. January will be quiet.
I am missing Dad terribly. Everywhere I go I see something that would make a perfect present for him, or I see parents and their children. Or I think of something I'd like to tell him.
And now having no parents makes me miss Mom again in a more poignant way. This parentlessness is a strange thing. Can't really explain it, but I feel unmoored, without an anchor, somehow floating.
So today I'm going to focus on doing the tasks that need done. Wrapping presents. Cooking for tomorrow. Making a few phone calls. I'll listen to music, watch a little TV, maybe journal some. Drink hot tea. A quiet day. Hopefully a restful day. Then tomorrow with my family. Sunday with Tim's family.
And I'll try to keep in the forefront of my mind why we're doing this, and how I can give back to those I love in ways other than their small gifts.
2 comments:
(((hugs))) from Susie ♥
Dear, dear sister! Yes, it's a yoyo or roller coaster. Wish I were there to talk more often and hug and cry and laugh and just be together.
This season is so hard. Mom and Dad did so well to make it a wonderful time for us, and Christmas to us still means Mom and Dad. There are so many holes! It's like the solid world became a sieve. I keep having this rootless feeling as well. But then my mind keeps going to people like Grandma and Jerry (and billions of others, of course) who have learned to live a new, whole and not-so-sieve-like lives without their parents and then siblings, etc.
I am so thankful for the picture God gave me shortly after Dad died of him in heaven. That has been a real comfort to me. My sadness is nothing compared to the glory that he is enjoying!!! It sounds a bit cliche-ish, now that I've written it down, but it really has been a comfort to me.
Remember that missing Dad, feeling sad, seeing the world as grey-tinted does not mean that you're not well. Well in your soul. Remind yourself of your wellness in Christ, and ask God to give you a picture or words to run to every time you're in an emotional pit.
I love you. You are doing well. I am proud of you. Lisa
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