Tired

My brain is on half-speed. I'm worn out from my crazy summer, including the last 2 days spent with 3 kids in a van doing 10 hour drives. I did, during that time, get wonderful time with my great friend Julie - and that was worth it all! :-) We were all at an amazing wedding celebration in Montana. Fun!

I am anxious to get my 2nd ct scan and find out what's going on in my belly. I hope to know by the end of this week. I'm actually getting a little worried about it as I've had these very slight pains last night and today. I just want to know! Argh!

Meanwhile, I'm trying to cram in as much time as I can with my sister Lisa before she returns to Jordan, but I'd also like to get back into some sort of routine. And I'd like to start exercising again, even if it is little bits at a time.

Today, though? Just relax, rest, and spend some time with my kittie.

Before and after

I was cleaning out the "Sent" box in my e-mail and received a stark reminder of my before and after.

Before Dad came home I was creating a new bread recipe, picking dates to go to Rockies' games, and hoping to ride bikes with friends. I had high hopes for a summer filled with gardening, hiking, and telling Dad everything that had happened while he was gone.

Then for about 2 weeks, every e-mail seems to be titled "Jim", "Dad's illness" or something like that.

I deleted most of the e-mails I sent. Instead of keeping the bad news, I've kept the letters and notes of encouragement and love from all my friends. Those I will keep and read again and again.

I'm trying to keep walking ahead on my road, while spending enough time looking back and crying, remembering, grieving. But I don't think I'll need e-mails I wrote to remember the sad news I had to share.

Today I'm feeling tired, worn out. Is it emotional or physical? Both, probably. Just so much to do in normal life, besides feeling weighed down by the extra things I'm carrying around. Keep trucking. Keep picking away at my tasks. Today I paid a couple bills. Tomorrow I'll do some laundry. And each day is a new day to process memories, cry a little more, heal a little more. Just keep walking.

Tranquility

I've had a crazy summer.

Tim's bike wreck in May that tore his shoulder and put him out of commission for 8 weeks (so far!).

My dad's illness and death in June.

My illness in July.

Is that going to be it for the summer? I sure hope so. I'd like nothing else to happen. I'd like quiet days, filled with hiking, gardening, job hunting (for Tim), getting back into some sort of routine.

And I thought I'd be well by now. I surely didn't expect what my ct scan showed - that I have an infection in my abdomen, but they can't tell what exactly it is. Hmm. Another 10 days of antibiotics; another ct scan. If the results aren't positive or conclusive, surgery to "clean it out" as the doctor said. Yuck! Surely don't want surgery, so I'm hoping this next round of antibiotics will work.

It seems that this isn't to be the tranquil summer I had in mind. I'm trying to just roll with the punches, but they're coming a little hard and fast. Quick, duck!

I must give credit to my friends who have been amazing! They have carried me through these tough weeks and months - from near and far. How can I thank them? How can I ever adequately convey to them what their love and friendship has meant to me. I probably can't, but I'll try to figure something out, and it will probably have something to do with food. :-)

Dad

Everything reminds me of Dad...

...the rock 'n' roll reminds me of his exuberant spirit.

...the Vietnamese noodle bowl reminds me of his love for food and fun.

...my vegetable garden reminds me of, well, all of him.

Few words, many emotions, unpredictable tears as the days pass. We keep walking down the road.

Can you tell I'm thinking about food?

I'm not quite hiking up Queen's Canyon, but wonder of wonders, starting last night I got to eat bland food! Such a relief. I wasn't starving, and that really surprised me. In fact, I was surprisingly not hungry. My body telling me to please leave it alone? Perhaps. But, there's only so much Jell-o you can eat before you get bored...

So today I plan to eat white rice and applesauce. Woo hoo! Thank goodness for me, those are two things I actually love! I won't eat very much, mind you, because I had a little bit last night (about 1/4 c of rice), and my tummy feels a little funny again this morning. I guess I really need to do what my body tells me right now...although my heart is telling me that a warm flour tortilla with a little pile of refried beans and avocado would be delicious. Woops! That one will have to wait. :-)


I've been encouraged as I've been reading about my new condition. I can still eat all the things I love - spicy, exotic, sometimes fatty, wonderful stuff. ;D I just need to make sure those things are the indulgences and not the regular items.


Of course, I already knew that, didn't I? It's as if I'm not really needing to do anything new - just make the changes I already intended, but with a little more urgency and purpose of mind. And that's never a bad thing.

My anchor

Has it just been 5 days since I last wrote? Good grief - seems like a couple weeks, at least.

Boy howdy, am I having a tough summer! You wouldn't know it from my tomatoes, though. They are growing like gang-busters and look terrific. Is that the silver lining? ;-D

So, my already difficult summer has had one more thing added to it: I was just tentatively diagnosed with diverticulitis. As if I didn't already have enough going on. I must confess I'm quite discouraged to have one more thing wrong with me physically. I guess I'm just not one of those robust, healthy people who can do whatever they want. Bummer.

Sometimes I feel so discouraged by that. I would like to be able to do whatever the heck I want, whenever I want. And I am able to do a lot. More than so many people. I know that. But, good grief - migraines, bad knees since teen years, plantar fasciitis that won't go away, and now diverticulitis? Whew! I'm worn out just thinking about all of it.

But I need to remember to keep my focus on CHRIST!

Here's how I see it: I can either choose to trust God or not. Black and white issue for me. I know some of you have heard me say that before.

Psalms 139:13-16 says...

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

So it's like Shakespeare wrote in Henry V: Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more...

Once again, I'll choose to trust God. I will cling to Him and trust Him with all my hurts, disappointments, and sorrows. For it was He who made me, who loves me most, who gives me strength to smile and live through my days, both good and bad. It is God who has ordained a plan for my life, who carries me in the cup of His hand, and who won't ever let me go.

This God - I'll trust. With each day, with each pain, with each sorrow - knowing He'll never let me go. And knowing that, I can live my most authentic life - because I am fully known by Him. I have nothing to hide, nothing to fear, no need to pretend.

In the midst of my discouragement and frustration, my sadness and grief, I have something to turn to that gives me real peace and brings light into my darkened room. It doesn't take away my sadness, but helps me carry it. It doesn't remove my discouragement, but gives me a new perspective on it.

In the midst of this tough life we live, God's love is the anchor that centers my life and holds me close to sheltering shoals.


picture courtesy of flickr.com

Back in the saddle again

Sure seems like with all that's happened in the last month I would have new issues. I do, but the same old ones are just lying there under the new ones. :-)

Time to start getting myself back on my feet and taking care of myself and my hubby. Clean house, grocery shop, do laundry, exercise. It will feel good to get back in the saddle. It will feel like a healthy part of life going on. It will feel like I can step back into old, comfortable shoes and wear them around all day. I hope.

The challenge is finding those shoes and actually putting them on, because what I feel like doing is sitting in front of the TV or reading all day. Escaping, basically. I guess I'll do some of that, too, but today I'd better sweep and do a little house cleaning before we disappear under the mess. I told Tim last night that our house is getting a little nest-like, and not in a good way.

Big breath.

Saddle up!