Slogging

Negativity, frustration, sadness, anger, selfishness, insulation, avoidance.

That's where I am. That's what I'm feeling today.

All I want to do is sit in front of the TV and watch hours of nothing. And not answer the phone. And not get dressed.

I remember this. I remember the weeks and months of wondering where I had gone. But when Mom died, I had to get up and go to work every day. This time I have the luxury of closing myself in. Is that good? Somehow I'll find the balance.

At least I'm not surviving on chocolate and french fries. And I'm not crying myself to sleep every night. But I do dream, and awaken with my pillow and cheeks wet with tears. In the morning, I barely remember, but move with a heaviness.

This too will pass. This too will pass. This too will pass.

And then there are glimpses of joy.

A friend is going to help me deliver midnight snacks to the night shift nurses who gave me such great care after my surgery.

The leaves are beginning to change.

I get to go to one more baseball game.

And if I stop for just a minute, I can almost feel the love and prayers that surround me.

I remain sustained.